desperation

There are many days when I worry about my security in Christ.  I worry that one day I will walk away from Him, like I’ve done so many other times, and somehow forfeit paradise.  I think the reason I worry about my security, is because I’ve forgotten that I deserve hell.

About 5 years ago, I met Jesus and fell to my knees.  At that time, I was the God of my life, and bowed to no one.  But His Holiness, His conviction and His power revealed my weakness and sin.  I told him that He deserved my service whether I ended up in heaven or hell

The next few months were full of growth, because I realized that although I deserved Hell, He chose to rescue me from it.  I loved and respected Him.  Slowly, the temptations in life led to one compromise after another, and here I sit: contemplating whether or not He loves me enough to save me from destruction.

It's not just my security that I wrestle with; it's the lust, pride, selfishness, envy and jealousy that plague me every day.  I can't go one day without comparing myself to another, putting others down so I can feel superior, and loving the praise of men over the praise of God.  How did I get here?  Why can't I get back to 5 years ago? 

Today our speaker admitted the deal she made with God, "Lord, I’ll serve you as long as you protect my kids."  One day her child was kidnapped by older boy who wanted to rape and kill her.  After an afternoon full of prayer and searching, she found her daughter safely returned.  That night the speaker heard the lord say, "Brenda, I rescued your daughter, but is that where our relationship ends?" 

In an act of vulnerability, the speaker told us that she would love to say, "Lord, I’ll never deny you," but realizes that the compromises of life are very seductive.

Why do we allow these compromises to affect us?  Why do I repeatedly deny Christ through my choices?  Why does Brenda have stipulations for her relationship with God?  I think it’s because we forget that we deserve Hell.  We think the chief end in life is to find our satisfaction and happiness.  That God is our servant waiting on our needs for a bigger bank account, ministry and ego.  But in reality, the chief end in life is to bring God joy.

Granted, we are His treasured possession, whom He wants to give a future full of hope, but like all good Fathers, He wants me to love Him more than any of His gifts, and I can only do that if I face reality: HE DESERVES MY LOVE.  HE DESERVES MY LIFE

He deserves these things, because I deserve Hell.  I deserve Hell, because I rejected Him for the Church of Josh.  Fortunately, He chose to rescue me.  How can I question whether God loves me enough to rescue me from myself, when I remember that while I was still His enemy, He chose to trade His life for mine.  A life that deserves worship, for a life that deserves Hell.  How amazing is that grace.

Do you want to know what God thinks about you?  Read these verses:

You may not know me, but I know everything about you (psalm 139:1)

I know when you sit down and when you rise up (psalm 139:2)

I am familiar with all your ways (psalm 139:3)

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered (Matthew 10:29-31)

For you were made in my image (gen 1:27)

In me you live and move and have your being (acts 17:26)

For you are my offspring (acts 17:28)

I knew you even before you were conceived (jer 1:4-5)

I chose you when I planned creation (eph 1:11-12)

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book (psalm 139:15-16)

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live (acts 17:26)

You are fearfully and wonderfully made (psalm 139:14)

I knit you together in your mother's womb (psalm 139:13)

And brought you forth on the day you were born (psalm 71:6)

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me (1 jn 8:41-44)

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love (1 jn 4:16)

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you (1jn 3:1)

Simply because you are my child and I am your father (1 jn 3:1)

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could (Matthew 7:11)

For I am the perfect father (matt 6:31-33)

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand (James 1:17)

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs (matt 6:31-33)

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope (jer 29:11)

Because I love you with an everlasting love (jer 31:3)

My thoughts towards you are countless as the sand on the seashore (psalm 139:17-18)

And I rejoice over you with singing (zeph 3:17)

I will never stop doing good to you (jer 32:40)

For you are my treasured possession (ex 19:5)

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul (jer 32:41)

And I want to show you great and marvelous things (jer 33:3)

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me (deut 4:29)

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart (psalm 37:4)

For it is I who give you those desires (phil 2:13)

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine (eph 3:20)

For I am your greatest encourager (2 thess 2:16-17)

I am also the father who comforts you in all your troubles (2 cor 1:3-4)

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you (psalm 34:18)

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart (Isa 40:11)

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes (rev 21:3-4)

And I’ll love you even as I love my son, Jesus (jn 17:26)

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed (jn 17:26)

He is the exact representation of my being (heb 1:3)

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you (rom 8:31)

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins (2 cor 5:18-19)

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled (2 cor 5:18-19)

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you (1jn 4:10)

I gave up everything that I might gain your love (rom 8:31-32)

Nothing will ever separate you from my love again (romans 8:38-39)

Abandoned for faith

Faith is a verb, just as much as it is a noun. Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of things unseen. Faith requires action. Faith is putting a belief to the test. Faith is telling a small group of students that God will provide, and then dropping them off in a random Belizean town with no passport, money, cell phone or clothes. My faith was definitely tested this past week.


So this past week, was our “faith week.” On Wednesday, we got on a boat with our leaders and brought to a bus station. They told us to pack a change of underwear, essential toiletries, and bug spray. “Awesome,” I thought, “maybe we will spend the night at the Mayan ruins...” or maybe the leaders will put us on a random bus with a one way ticket, and shift all of our faith on God.

As you can guess, the second was true. We were placed into teams of 4, put on a bus with an envelope, and instructed to open the letter once we left the station. Our group was tearing the envelope open half way through the gate, and reading a letter that told us how we would travel two hours to a random city, stay there for two nights, and return on Friday. Did I mention that we had no money?

As I was asking myself how I’ll provide for these three girls, a young man named David asked me if I was a missionary. God was teaching me that He is the provider, and my heart leaped for joy because I knew God sent David to us. Little did I know that God actually sent us to him.

David got off the bus with us and led us around his town, and eventually let us rest at his house. We spent the afternoon talking with his mom, and played with his little siblings. Random prayer sessions broke out, and David started asking questions about our faith. I wanted to have the “right” words and verses so badly, but I couldn’t. I felt crippled. David deserved theological explanations, but I was like a little child. “How can I explain all the truths of God’s love in five minutes? I’m the worst missionary ever! I should have paid more attention in Pastor Doug’s evangelism class.”

Eventually, we found out that the church near David’s house had a wed night worship service, so we made our way over there with David. I explained our situation to the pastor, and told him that we need a place to stay. He told me that they would try to figure something out after service, and ran off to start the worship time, which was in Spanish. I understood nothing, but have never felt so overwhelmed with joy in my life. I stood next to my group with a smile from ear to ear, happy to be in the presence of other believers, and full of peace. I felt safe, I felt like I was home.

The worship music stopped, and the pastor said he wanted us to share why we were there. I went up front and began to preach (probably yelling because I was so excited and overcome with joy). I told the congregation how I sometimes feel like Peter when he told Jesus he would never desert Him. I tell the world that I believe in Jesus, and have faith that He will rescue me, but fail to live it. I run from trials, I envy other people’s comforts; I even rebuke people for their lack of faith. Me, a man who puts more faith in himself than he does in God, call himself a Christian “saved by grace through faith” in Christ? Hypocrite is a better word at times! But none the less, even when I’m faithless, He is faithful. I might not know theology, but I know that. I saw that.

The way the congregation reached out to us is amazing. They let us stay on air mattresses in the church. The pastor’s family fed us; the congregation gave us money, the body worked exactly like it should. I stood in the middle of the church thanking God for His blessing, and looked over to see a lady talking with David. She told me how amazed she was to see David in church, and felt that God used us to bring him back. God used me, not by fancy words, or sound arguments, but by David’s personal desire to help and show compassion. I take new meaning to the words of Paul:

“When I am weak, then I am strong”

disappointed with God

I feel disappointed with God. In fact, I live life in disappointment.  I refuse to be decisive or bold, because I'm afraid God will fail me. I say prayers like, "Lord, please do 'such and such'... if it's your will," because I'm trying to make excuses for Him.  It's not that I'm trying to protect God's reputation; it's that I'm trying to salvage the last bit of hope I have in Him.  But hey, I’m just being honest.

Do you ever feel that way? Do you ever wonder why bad stuff happens, even though we are fervently in prayer? Do you ever ask:

Why is my ministry failing
why is my family falling apart
why does worship bore me
why can't I work up the courage to share my faith, etc, etc

Do I ever!

Other times I have people ask whether or not I find my worth tied into what I do, and that's a tough question.   I have enjoyed discipleship school.  Worshiping God every day, reading the bible continuously, and listening to lectures, but to be honest, sometimes I feel as thought I can't do it anymore. I don't want to be sitting around; I want to be starting a ministry. I want to be working with the poor. I want to be making money and supporting myself. I really don't care what I’m doing; I just want to do something. So, "No," my worth is not defined by my job; it's defined by something else...

Results. I define my self-worth by my results. That's why I hate sales, raising support, and even evangelizing. I'm not in control of the results. I can't force anyone to buy my product, go to my church, or listen to me preach. I've tried. Again and again and again. People probably thought I was the most annoying kid at work. I would constantly tell people that they should come to my church, or join my bible study, or follow Jesus; but if the proof is in the pudding, then I’m about as worthless as they come.

And I sit around blaming God for feeling worthless, because God said He came to give me this elusive abundant life. I expect Jesus to give me a free meal, and instead I get failure. I do everything I can, I call people, personally invite them, set up fun events, imitate them, praise the, even try to buy them, only to find disappointment. Why is that?

I think the reason I get so disappointed is because I misunderstand my worth. "God, I spent 20 hours raising support, and you give me $20!? Is that all I’m worth to you? Even Wal-Mart thinks I’m worth more than that." I wonder how many times I have broken God's heart, because I misunderstood Him. God never said I should expect a large ministry, or a free meal. God said I should expect a life of persecution, trials, rejection, and sacrifice. Strangely, I don't get disappointed when I fail to see that result.

I'm not saying that we should set the bar low, I’m saying set it higher than we can imagine, and then believe we are worth even more than the greatest accomplishments in the world. That's why I want to be in a relationship with Jesus; so I can hear Him remind me of that every day.

Passion

Before he was a Christian, Jeff Pratt was a leader in the mormon church, and this week he came to speak with us about passion. He started with a story about his days as a mormon, and how he traveled cross country with a pretty girl who left her christian church to become a mormon. She said it was because of his passion.


"Passion is attractive and contagious in today's society," he said.

So what does that say to a guy like me, who is passionate about everything and nothing at the same time. I know in the past i was passionate about all sorts of destructive habits. Did that passion cause other people to get wrapped up in them too? And what about the times when i had so many things on my plate, that i couldn't seem to get passionate about a single thing? I have people yell at me all the time because I don't get passionate about their vision. I mean, if it's your vision, why should i care? Do you ever feel that way?

I now realize that it wasn't necessarily his passion that won her over, as much as it was her lack of passion that allowed his passion to be effective. We have seminars, text books, leadership camps and the like, that will teach you how to get others passionate about your vision. But here is a different idea; what about helping them get passionate about their own vision? I mean, will I be held accountable for not being persausive enough, or will I be held accountable for my lack of personal passion? More importantly, will you be held accountable for my lack of passion or yours (Rev 3:16)?

I'm not trying to persuade you to agree or disagree with me about the burdens and responsibilities of a leader. Hey, what does a 25 year old know about leadership? Instead, I say these things, because i'm on a personal journey to find my passions, and want to show you what i'm struggling with. Althought I am thankful to have a starting point. Jeff said:

"Passion for Jesus is the fruit of my awareness of His love for me."

Amen. Do you lack passion, specifically for Jesus or the Church? Try to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ for you (eph 3:17-19). Tell Him that you don't grasp it, and then ask Him to show that it to you. I know He wants to show you His love, and I know that knowledge will transform your life if you let Him.