my battle for understanding

this winter i was struggling (privately, and deceptively) with sin. i was trying to make it go away on one hand, and wanted to justify it on another. I asked myself "ok, if i'm praying for healing and it doesn't happen, what does that say about God? The bible talks about predestination and free will at the same time. At what level am i responsible for god not correcting me" So, i looked into predestination versus freewill. read bible passages, looked at commentary on the subject, etc. And then one day something happened...

I became frustrated with the lack of answers i received, and the problem came to a climax one morning after i heard about two Pastors make contradictory statements. I was reading my devotional and one pastor said that our situations in life are controlled and directed by God (for example God hardening pharaoh's heart, moses being found by an egyptian and raised an egyption, etc). I said "ok, i'm fine with being predestined for this life, i can now move on." I left my house, got in my car, and heard another pastor on the christian radio quote a scripture John 5:6 "wilt thou be made whole" where Jesus asked a man what he will chose to do in reference to his salvation. Free will vs. Predestination. Contradictory statements in a matter of 20 minutes, by two well known pastors!

I was irate (that is probably an accurate description of my feeling at that moment). I was so angry at God, i think i might have even yelled at him. "WHY...WHY WHY WHY. IF YOU ARE SO GOOD, GOD, WHY DO YOU LET ME BE SO CONFUSED??? YOU POSITION THE EVENTS THAT OCCUR IN MY LIFE, AND THEREFORE FORCE ME TO BE FILLED WITH THIS FRUSTRATION, THIS ANGER, THIS RAGE?????"

Needless to say, i quickly apologized, and told myself to calm down. It didn't seem fair though. why would God do this to me? I continued my drive to work, and then it hit me:

Job 38: "Who is this man that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me."

God is AWESOME! God REIGNS! God ALMIGHTY IS SOVEREIGN, AND HIS WISDOM IS BEYOND COMPREHENSION! Who am I to question His will, and what knowledge do I have to try and understand His thoughts? Whatever may come, whatever direction the scale tips, I am putting my faith in the God I don't fully understand, but I can fully trust and love.

I learned a lot that day about how awesome God is.

I think that's part of the reason we struggle; so that in the end we can get a glipse of how infinitely awesome He is. This "glipse" will inevitably do the one thing he requires; allow us to stand in awe!