what is love, baby don't hurt me. (don't hurt me no more)

In my last blog i mentioned that i have a few possible directions in life, and am trying to allow God to show me the path He wants. I explained that the frustation of waiting was a learning experience and that i could sense peace at different times. Well, this weekend was not one of those times.

This weekend was horrible. My mind was in a constant battle with itself, and i thought i was going crazy. One side of my brain was saying "figure out the details, because you can't assume that God is going to walk up and put this wonderful plan into your hands." The otherside was saying "don't assume you know what's best for yourself." Eventually, that battle made me weary and began to turn into one side saying "you're frustrated Josh, you are burned out, you are putting too much weight on your shoulders," while the other side said, "you are so close to finding your answer, you will be a quitter if you don't press on." There were other thoughts like that, and it went on for days. As someone who wants the answers now, and is fine with rushing ahead and dealing with the collateral damage later, I was confused and angry that i couldn't just "make up my own mind."

My mind eventually went down that road, the "WHY CAN'T I JUST DO WHAT I WANT GOD!!!?WHY DO I MAKE THIS SACRIFICE, AND HAVE TO SUFFER FOR IT??! I HAVE MADE THE CHOICE TO SERVE AND RESPECT YOU, AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME? I'VE MADE THIS SACRIFICE, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE...." road. You know, the tired, weary, broken path road that eventually leads you to get angry at God for refusing to give you what you want. Yeah i went there, and yeah i said some things and had some thoughts that i really shouldn't have had. I played the blame game, excusing myself for any of the heartache i was feeling, and putting it all on God. It wasn't until i started journaling that i realized what i was really saying. "look at what i've done God, what have you done?"

Thinking back on it, i chuckle a bit because it's such a stupid question. At the moment that i realized what i said though, i felt ashamed. I felt horrified that i could ask such a self-rightous, arrogant, insolent question. Who am i to question the motives of the lord? Who am i to demand answers from God? Who am i??? Really, i'm selfish, arrogant, self-rightous, and foolish. Not only am i all of those, but 90% of the time, i don't even realize it. It's extremely dangerous when you are too proud to realize your pride, or too stupid to stupidity, and i know this from personal experience...

So, for your reading pleasure, here is the other "Cool Josh" moment of the week: on one of my conference calls last week, i became frustrated with my teammate and started pointing out her weaknesses in front of everyone. I was brash and condesending, mean and hot headed. The inappropriateness of my behavior was prevelent to everyone except myself. My manager actually called me into her office and asked what was wrong. I told her that my colleague was "untrainable." For future reference, never tell your manager that their employee is untrainable. Anyways, my manager came down on me and said "look, you have anger issues and there will be a change one way or another." Hmm, I guess arrogance will eventually come back and bite you.

Long story short, i make lots of mistakes, and flipping out at the wrong person, at the wrong time is definately one of them. Looking back, i wouldn't change these situations one bit. I would change my reaction to the situation, but i wouldn't change the situation at all. Now i realize that i made a lot of dumb mistakes, and that i learned a whole lot. I learned that i was flawed (unfortunately i forget that A LOT), but why is it important to learn that?

First, i found that when I think i'm perfect, i grant myself a license to get angry at other people. It gives me the right to neglect other people's emotions and feelings. Oh, and i found out that my teammate hadn't been sleeping because i was so harsh. I can't believe how mean i can be at times.

second, being flawed (and at times wicked) showed me what true love is. I shudder to know that i came at God with arrogance and a self-rightous attitude. I bow my head in embarrassment to realize that i arrogantly said "look at all i have done for you, what have you done for me." But i turn back to praise Him, because what He did 2000 years ago paid the judgement for that statement. Without knowing just how wicked i can be at times, i can't ever know how great His love for me is. True love isn't shown by giving it to the ones that deserve it; true love is shown when it is given to someone that really doesn't deserve it.

your will be done

"not my will but yours be done." Have you ever prayed that prayer? I mean, have you ever HONESTLY prayed that prayer? I just started praying that prayer last month...for the same thing. I should clarify, i have been praying for the same thing for the past two months, although actually meaning the words "your will be done." I really didn't think that would mean it would take a quarter century to get a response...

About 5 or 6 weeks ago I started thinking about my future, and realized that i'm coming to a turning point in my life. I have a few options opening up, and want direction from God. I thought to myself "Wow Josh, i'm so proud of you for even contemplating what God wants you to do with your life." See the thing about type A people, is that we don't like to ask. We don't want advice, we don't want direction, we don't want anything but our will. For me to say "God, i'm too weak to make these decisions by myself" took a lot out of me. I honestly thought that God would say "Joshua, i'm glad you are proud of yourself, because i'm proud of you too. Here is your wish, and i'll talk to you again when you need something!" That's not the way it worked, though. Instead I became more confused, and more frustrated with the choices that lay in front of me. I didn't know my direction, i couldn't choose my direction, and now it seems like it's going to take me longer to acheive the result of the direction. These are all things that are definitely NOT 'a' type personality.

So what's the deal, what's the point of asking God for His direction, when it doesn't come right away? What's the point in being obedient if you get yanked around and taken on a frustrating rollercoaster. I mean, i'm frustrated. There were times when i literally pounded my fists on the nearest object available. Times when i wanted to punch my teammates in the mouth. Times when i wanted to tear my hair out and scream and cry. I mean, how frustrated does a grown man (i'm considering myself a man here) have to be before they want to cry about it? Why why why...

Well, i'll tell you that i haven't received my answer yet. I'm still waiting on the lord, and even though it's been a month from hell (or so it seems), it's been soooo worth it, and here is why:

One of the plans i'm struggling with is deciding whether to move to Seattle and start a company. At one point, i believed the seattle plan was God's direction. I remember being excited for "a new adventure," because my personality requires me to "experience life". I'm not satisfied watching from the sidelines. Not only was i excited, but the way the situations were coming together, and the lessons i've been learning in my daily devotional, I felt it was God's plan. I started assuming that i knew what God's plan was (which made it my plan) and therefore put all my dreams into this unstable emotional basket. As i was talking to a friend, i realized that i'm still confused on the direction God wants me to take. I was frustrated. I am a man who was afraid to move, became excited to move, and then began to hold onto that plan to move with a clenched fist. I became afraid that God was going to take "my dream" away, while at the same time was afraid that i was asking God for direction while He was holding a door open for me. I became very confused until i realized the most amazing truth of this week...

God is blessing me right now. He is allowing me to experience the struggle between my plans and his. allowing me to experience patience versus stagnation. He is training me and allowing me to experience what i need to experience to serve Him. And even though i'm struggling, i'm blessed. i feel His joy, i feel His love, i feel His guiding hand and presence. The joy of God revealing Himself is worth more than my self appointed excitement for a "new experience."

See the thing I've learned is that true joy comes from the lord. Sure, exciting new adventures, exciting new cars, trips, babes, etc, those are all fun. I mean, why would people buy something unless it was enjoyable and gave them some sort of happiness. The problem is that i typically confuse happiness with joy. Happiness is fine, but happiness is nothing compared to joy. Joy gives you a feeling like you are drunk with excitement. Joy gives you complete satisfaction. Joy is rare and only comes from God. While i was (and still am) struggling, i had experienced moments of joy, and those moments helped me realize that sometimes God makes you wait for the really good stuff, because you need to learn something. So what have i been learning you may ask...

Well, i've learned the importance of not putting my results before my relationships. i've learned that there is a difference between complacency and waiting. I've learned that i will be joyful if i wait on the lord and remain obedient to Him, and even more so, that i would much rather have joy than excitement. Finally, I learned (today) that there are times when I can be content with who i am, and the position i have in life. I don't need to accomplish work for christ, i just need to rely on the accomplishment christ made on the cross. I'm just fine as i am, and it won't matter if i die in stevens point or in seattle. just as long as i wake up in heaven.

talk about labored breathing!

If someone was watching my reaction as i hit the water, they would probably have noticed a few things. My eyes became fully dialated and panic overtook my expression, my breathing immediately ceased, and my body became tense due to the addrenaline rush. In fact, my face probably became red or blue, depending on how long it took me to finally breath. Can you blame me though? I was trying to break free of the historic/evolutionary training that i've lived with all my life, because people don't breathe underwater...unless they scuba.

Scuba diving was amazing. In fact, it was my own personal brand of Heroine (to quote Edward Cullen haha). I just went sky diving a few weeks ago, and i can verify that this was 10 times better! Sky diving was an adrenaline rush for sure, but scuba diving; scuba diving was like winning the super bowl. As a guy that never played football, i guess i should pick a different analogy.

The thing i liked best about scuba diving was that it allowed me to explore places i've never been before (yes, i'm an explorer by heart), while at the same time teaching me self control. Sky diving taught me that i have no control over the external things in life, while scuba diving taught me that i need to practice self control. When i dove into the water, my breathing stopped, and i had a brief moment of panic surge over me. I had to physically and emotionally force myself to breathe! In out, in out, in out. Then i realized i was breathing too fast, so i had to force myself to slow down. Then as something caught my attention, i forgot to breathe again, so had to force myself to begin breathing. It required so much self control: something that i needed.

Self control...that's probably the biggest struggle i have. I think fast, i act fast, i move fast. I don't want to be sitting around; i don't want to struggle. The ironic thing about a lack of self control, is that you can't fix it yourself. I mean, how does a guy with no self control, build up the self control to implement self control??? it's impossible. I've been blessed to have people around me help build up these characteristics inside my life. My pastors John and Doug, my stephen minister Luke, and now my scuba instructor i guess. Nah, i don't really think the scuba guy has any say over that manner, but scuba diving helps sharpen the saw (to quote stephen covey). It help me practice controlled breathing, which is the closest thing i can get to controlled behaviors. Let go of the things i can't control, focus on self control, and love the life i live.