chute don't fail me now

As i let go, I can feel my stomach jettison into my chest, and vibrate with the racing of my heart. My brain feels as though it is churning in my head. My body is in shock from the cold. I procede through emotions of fear, anxiety, worry, panic, and helplessness in a split second. Time has stopped, and confusion takes hold. My brain shuts down and i fixate on the ground racing towards me at 120 feet per second. Then it stops.

My brain recovers it's bearings, and acceptance sinks in. I'm skydiving, and there is nothing i can do but watch the world race towards me. This is the most exhilarating feeling of my life. Just a typical Sunday...j/k!

This past sunday i went skydiving, and it was one of the most incredible feelings ever. It was fun, but even more than that, it was a true learning experience. Before i go any further, I guess i need to take a step back and give you some background information...

So about 4 weeks ago, one of the coolest people i know found out that she was going skydiving for her birthday. She asked me if i would go, and i imediately said ok. A few weeks prior to that, i had looked into it for myself, and decided that "someday" i would go. Well someday happened sooner than later. Nothing really changed in my head after the deposit was put down. In fact, even on the drive there, i was pretty cool and collected. I signed the waiver with a slight tremor, but I had spent almost a month preparing myself to remain calm. I am a man, men don't get scared.

The training started with the instructor asking giving us a pep talk, explaining that this was the most nerve racking experiences we will ever face in our life. He said that we should admit our fear, because our adrenaline would peak too sharply if we didn't. He said that men frequently lie about their feelings, and then have a horrifying experience when that happens. At that moment i realized that i was in trouble if i didn't come clean with my emotions. I realized that i would hate the experience, and might cause lasting trauma. So I broke down. I didn't cry or anything, but i let myself admit that i was scared. I was really scared. What if the chute doesn't open, what if I chicken out, what if i can't stop from spinning in the air?

The most amazing thing happened after i admitted those emotions to myself; i fell into a peaceful excitement. I was scared, sure, but nothing was more freeing than admitting my humanity. To embrace my limits, and realize that it's okay for me to be afraid. That doesn't make me less of a man. It takes courage to examine your weaknesses. It takes strength to admit your frailty and still proceed. This was the release i needed, and ironically, it's something that i need to do more frequently in my everyday life.

After the training, i get on the plane to elevate to 12500 feet. At this moment, i was still peacefully excited. The instructor straps onto my back and opens the door: still peaceful. I put my leg out of the plane and feel the wind throwing my leg around: still peaceful. I lean out of the plane and realized "this is it, the moment of no return:" still peaceful. Then the plane falls away, and panic sets in. I was completely out of control, and there was no way for me to get it back. I was past the point of no return. I have a confession to make; i'm a control freak. I feel as though the world could come crashing down around me, and i would remain calm as long as i could see a way out. Without that way out, i'm VERY uncomfortable. I do everything i can to refrain from putting myself into that position, because it scares me to death. That's why i had so many emotions running through my head (refer to opening paragraph). I spun around and finally got into a position which allowed me to get my bearings back. That's when my mind cleared and allowed me to accept the reality that i have no control. That was a very erie feeling, and something i am not use to.

The experience allowed me to realize something; i should live my life in that "erie zone," because how much of my life do i really have control over? I can control my behavior, but can i really control anything else? Can i go to sleep at night and say "i can guarantee that I will wake up tomorrow"? I know i can't, yet for some reason i say i can. I can't guarantee anything in my life, besides how i behave. Self control, and that's really the one thing that i don't have. It's a strange reality. I spend my life trying to control the situations around me, but spend absolutely no time on learning to control ME. I feel like i want to neglect my job so i can do God's job, and in the process neglect both. An analogy i just thought of is this: God is the one controling the weather, yet i pick out my clothing for the day without checking to see if it's raining. I think that the weather should revolve around my plans, and not that i should revolve around God's plans. It's because i don't like the erie feeling i get when i am not in control. Get use to it Josh; you will never control the weather.

If i think about it though, i wouldn't want to control the weather. It would always be sunny if i did, and then the plants would die and i would starve to death. I have no ability to manage something that grand, and instead should just readjust to fit God's plan. It's easier that way. It always works out better. I can fully trust God, but i can't trust myself. I wish i would always remember that, but i'm just human. I'm prone to forget. I'm prone to fail. Luckily, my father will pick me up and brush me off. All i have to do is get use to living in the "erie zone."

the food crisis in america

http://www.hulu.com/watch/67878/the-future-of-food

A lot of times i go to the grocery store and pick out the same sort of food. Cheap, easy to make and loaded with preservatives/concentrates/complex carbs. I'm going to be honest, it's because i'm lazy. i'm too lazy to spend 20-30 minutes a night making something to eat. i want to pop it into the microwave. Also i'm selfish. i stock up hoping to save money and shopping time and realize that 2 weeks later i'm throwing away a lot of extra food. i think those characteristics stereotype americans.

i just watched a documentary on the use of genetic modification in the production of crops. http://www.hulu.com/watch/67878/the-future-of-food I've never really been big into the green movement, so i'm surprised i watched the show. The documentary told a tale of big corporations building an empire which would capture the control of the food source. If you capture the food source, you cause people to depend upon you. if you cause people to depend upon you, you can have anything you want. you can become a god.

You probably ask, how this plays out. Well, the chemical companies created a pesticide which made them a lot of money, so they used that money to buy the seed companies. Then the conglomerate was able to create a seed that incorporated pesticide resistance, so the farmers would be able to quickly and easily increase yeilds. The conglomerate did something remarkable though, they patented the genetically modified seed. The reason this is remarkable, is because the ability to patent a living thing, is a bit proposterous. Think about it; if you made a genetic enhancement to increase the fullness of your hair, would the company be able to have control of your hair? Not only that, but if you had off-spring, would the company be able to have control of their hair? Obviously not, but this is exactly what the chemical companies did!

The other thing that is remarkable about putting a patent on plant life, is that seeds are transplanted from one area to another through the use of: wind, birds, deer, rain etc. If your gf/bf kissed you, and the saliva containing dna became ingrained in the partner, would the company own the partner too? Again, this is something that the conglomerate did. And they sued you if their grain came into contact with your land. Personally, i would think that the farmers should be able to sue the companies for contaminating their land with genetically engineered plants, but alas, the companies put lobyists into place to prevent that sort of "logic" from showing up.

Moral of the story, the farmers are losing a battle of independance, while they are being required more and more to depend on the conglomerate companies. Not only that, but the conglomerates are building power, and will eventually try to maintain control over every seed that is planted. This will put the ability of those to eat in the hands of a few men. We will depend upon these men, if things work according to their plans.

but i bet you are wondering how that relates to my initial statement regarding my laziness, discontentment and selfishness. Well, as i think about the role genetic engineering is playing, i realize that it's a horrible operation that will have even worse results. What action will i take though? I've known about organic food for years, but never bought it because i thought to myself "yeah but it's too expense" or "yeah, but the modified food is in nice little microwavable packages" etc. I'm selfish. i'm lazy. American's realize the disatrous effects of our decisions, but the consequences aren't great enough, and relevent enough to us, that it causes any real change. i'm going to take this down a linear path which might seem a bit overboard, but i want this to sink in. 5 million people starve to death every year. The reason they die is NOT because of lack of food production ability, but because the lack of distribution. The lack of distribution is not because of lack of ability, but because of lack of action by people who control resources. The lack of action by people who control resources is not problem i should worry about though. i can't control what they do, so to spend even one second of my day desiring their heart to change is foolishness. Wasting time is the most foolish thing i can do, because time is the real commodity; not money, or oil or power. Time. and just think, i wasted it writing this blog unless it helps me to be a man of action.