A Royal Christmas

This was our last week in Cebu working with Cebu Mission Foundation, and many of us have mixed feelings about leaving.  We find it hard to say goodbye to these amazing people, but at the same time, we are excited to see what God will show us in Manilla.  A mentor from our DTS once told me that it's important to know the time; is it time to plan, or time to enjoy the party?  I think God made our transition easier by giving us a party of noble proportions.

We have been blesseed to see God's love at work during these past three weeks.  We saw grace in a prison, dance parties in a church, families living in tombs, schools in the garbage dumps, and children born in our homes.  CMF does an incredible job of showing Christ's love in a holistic manner, but we could tell they wanted more.  They kept refering to "the annual Christmas party" with excitement and anticipation; reminding themselves that it was quickly approaching.  I expected the kids to be excited, but was astonished by the way adults would glow when the topic was brought up.  What kind of party were we going to?

We woke up early on Wednesday to drive over to an old gymnasium, surrounded by vendors selling everything from t-shirts to popcorn.  We realized this was no ordinary party, but nothing could prepare us for the festival awaiting us.  There were over a thousand children filling the bleacher seats in the building, and the roar of laughter was filling the spaces in between.  As the party began, we felt mixture of joy and honor dancing with kids who woke up that morning in a cemetery, a garbage dump, or in a family without parents.  We felt honored, because we respect them so much.  We have been treated like royalty while visiting Cebu, because they wanted to brighten our days.  How could we not respect people who treated us like royalty even though they were battling hunger, poor living conditions, and disease?  They gave so much in exchange for one smile.  I began to ask myself while writing this: if one smile could change a person's day, why didn't I smile more?  Why didn't I spend more time dancing, and singing and loving the them the way they loved me?

So for one day, we returned the favor by treating them like royalty.  We served them food, we gave them presents, we pulled out our best dance moves, and we called the girls princesses as we twirled them in our arms.  Our prayer is that they realize that they are in fact princes and princesses.  We hope they see themselves as sons and daughters of the most High King, because many scars can be avoided by living out that identity.

It was a tangible example of another party that I will attend one day.  A party that has been talked about for over 2000 years; a party that will have joy and laughter filling ever crevice, a party that will leave me frozen in wonder as i walk through the door.  Looking back on our three weeks in Cebu, i can't imagine a better way to celebrate the one who was born in a stable and will be married in royal palace.

Redemptive Perspective

This week we left Belize and started on our week long journey to the Philippines.  As we boarded a water taxi on Monday morning, I realized something was wrong with my foot.  I had about 10 bug bites that became open sores, and were beginning to show signs of infection.  It was too late to do anything by that time, so I climbed aboard the taxi, hoping that I'd have an opportunity to stop and get some medicine at one of our layovers.  Unfortunately not.

The first couple days were fine, but on the 6th hour of our 14 hour flight to Tokyo, my foot started swelling and became very red due to infection.  I found a gas station once we landed, and bought rubbing alcohol to treat it.  As I was sitting in the lobby of the hostel, a few of the ladies started asking me about my foot and offered some ointment.  I gratefully accepted, but failed to see the opportunity at hand.  I think I mentioned something about being a missionary, but I quickly changed the topic to muffled crying once they applied the ointment.

I woke up disappointed the following morning, because as painful as the ointment was, it didn't do a lot for my foot.  Luckily, we still had another day of traveling from Manila to Cebu, so I decided to lay around sleeping off the jet lag and dodging worries of amputation.  "mission work doesn't start until we reach the Philippines, right?"

I suddenly felt a conviction about my earthly perspective.  "An infected foot is going to stop you from spreading the gospel, Josh?  Do you remember Tom?"

Tom is a guy from my church who loves Jesus, and has a heart for evangelism.  He also has a bad case of diabetes, and lost both legs, an ear, fingers, and experiences weekly appointments at the hospital for check-ups.  Do you know what he does when he goes to the hospital?  He asks the nurses if they have a relationship with Jesus!  That's dedication.  How about Paul?  The guy was hardcore for Christ.  2 Cor 11:16-33 is a section dedicated to him boasting of his suffering.  Philippians 1:12-18 catches him rejoices, because his imprisonment has advanced the gospel.

So, there I was, disappointed about bug bites while the Toms and Pauls of the world lose limbs and freedom to advance the gospel.  Am I a failure as a missionary?

In the end, I realized that I'm not a Paul.  I'm not a Tom.  I'm just another kid, who is blessed to serve a merciful God.  I'm not as faithful or dedicated as those other guys, but my God loves me all the same.  He has made me a son, just the same.  At the same time, I'm also going to reveal my weakness to encourage you.  I blew that opportunity, but God works all things for the good of those that love Him.  Plus, He gives second chances (Peter, Jonah, David, Moses, etc), His mercies are new every morning, and He is redeeming my failure.  He is reminding me that my perspective needs to remain on the fact that I can rejoice in my trials, because they are an opportunity to share the good news.  

P.S.
Praise god that my foot is starting to heal.  We also started working at
www.cebu-mission.org this week, and it's been great!  Please let me know if you have specific questions, or would like to partner with me.

Perspectives

Today we had a time of sharing our testimonies again, and I have to admit that certain testimonies really bore me.  I found myself struggling to pay attention to the lives and stories of my incredible new friends, and I didn't really understand why.  I mean, I love these people, and thoroughly enjoy talking with them about their lives, so why was this morning any different?

I think there could have been a few reasons for it.  For example: some people are just bad at telling stories.  Other times I’m just not in the mood.  But I realized today that it was something else altogether.

Perspective n: view of the relative importance of situations or facts

Perspective.  I can't begin to tell you how much I’ve learned about that word.  Over the past months, I’ve begun to realize that it's one of the most important words in the English language.  One of my heroes said that attitude is everything, and in my experience, perspective has shaped that attitude.  Perspective helps you overcome the horrible situation you are in today.  Perspective helps you let go of control.  Perspective helps you see the beauty in life.

I don't completely grasp the importance of perspective, but I was given a glimpse this morning.  It happened while listening to a testimony that had all the annoyances of a bad story.  I was trying so hard to pay attention, but after about 3 minutes of saying, "I don't really know what to talk about," the leader interrupted and said that testimonies are a time of sharing how God has worked in your life.  She restarted, and explained that she never felt God's presence until just recently.  That's when my thoughts snapped into focus, and I realized that people aren't as concerned about what you did or went through, as they are about how you were redeemed.  I mean, that's what makes any story great: finding yourself at the end of your strength, and being forced to rely on a miracle. And that's what God is all about; redemption. 

I loved realizing that today, because it caused me to reevaluate my perspective.  What do I love about my story?  Do I love presenting myself to the world as a perfect little Christian?  Not really.  It's a lie, and a hard one to maintain for any length of time.  Do I love the attention I get when I do something amazing?  Not really, I can't bear the responsibility of heroism.  Do I love being a success?  No, because sometimes I learn more through my failures.  Instead, I love being able to say that my identity is found in the fact that my Father defeated death to bring me home.  I mean, that's the making of a good story, and I’m excited to share that story with the Philippines.

P.S. We leave for the Philippines tomorrow morning, and will arrive on Friday.  I don't know when I’ll have internet availability, but email me if you would like details on our ministry over there, and I’ll get back to you when I can.  Take care!    

my provider

"All the world is mine, and all that is in it." - God

In his book, Courageous Leadership, Bill Hybels said that we should never forget that God is our chief supporter. I remember reading that statement and nodding in agreement. We all believe that, right? So why do I pack my finest stationary into my luggage when going overseas? Why do I get frustrated when support money doesn't come in like I thought it would? Why do I worry, and look for ways to cast blame? I guess deep down I still believed that my chief supporter is the guy with the Lexus, or the lady with the Prada purse. Shoot, my chief supporter is the person who tells me they will donate this month, whether or not they actually donate. I don’t think God likes that mindset, because He decided to teach me another lesson this week.

On Tuesday night, our leader called us into the lecture room and explained that we needed a combined total of 3500 dollars to finalize our outreach trip. It was sad and frustrating hearing that the support never came, especially when we truly believed that God wanted us there. So there we sat, in the middle of a quiet room, wondering how to solve this situation. It seemed impossible to me, because we don't have jobs, and most of us already emptied our bank accounts. So I decided to ask God a tiny, little question, "Lord, what more can I give?"

It's kind of a selfish question isn't it? I mean, He could have said the same thing to me. There was the time in 7th grade when I got off the hook for shoplifting, the three inch scar I have on my wrist from a work accident my sophomore year in high school, and don't even get me started about college. I have made a mess of my life in a million ways, yet He continues to faithfully protect me. He, the God and creator of the universe, the Holy of Holies who has angels worship at His feet day and night, the bright morning star who knows them all by name, could have easily said, "Father, what more do I have to give for this kid?" But instead He said, "Father, if there is no other way to bring Josh home, I’ll do it myself." He made the roman guards hold His garments while He climbed onto that cross.

So we prayed...oh, did we pray. We asked God to lead the way. We reminded that if He could multiply 5 loaves and 2 fish, He could do it with some money. I mean, $3500 isn't even 8 months worth of wages! About 10 minutes later, people started saying, "I'll donate $100." I have to admit that I was thinking the money would come in from family and friends back home. Missionary kids supporting missionary kids? That doesn't fit my understanding of missions work, but that's who God used. Within 20 minutes, we had the remaining balance at zero. One of the student's was short about $1500, and had hopes in America...God used missionary kids.

It's an incredible testimony, and a vivid reminder who writes my checks. I'm learning that it's easy to get frustrated at people when you think of them as your chief supporters. It's easy to try to please or manipulate when you need them to write you a check, and that nobody wants to be manipulated for money. It's good to have supporters, but great to see people sacrificing in order to get involved in God's work. My work will never save you, but you can get involved by clicking on the "donate" button on the upper right of this blog.

As a conclusion, I want to thank my supporters and express my deepest appreciation for you. Whether you pray for me, send your regards, or donate money; I need the encouragement. Please continue giving me feedback, and let me know how I can pray for you! A special thanks to the couple that donated not only money, but countless time into discipling me.

Do I put God at the kid's table?

A group of us were enjoying a conversation this week, when all of a sudden one of the girls started crying for an unknown reason.  One minute laughter, the next, tears.  We prayed for her, and then someone made the comment that maybe the Holy Spirit is letting her feel something personal.  It was weird, and quickly everything became uncomfortable.  Do you ever feel like that?  Things are going great, and then something comes along and ruins the moment?

I went into my room and began to ask God why He did that; why He came and ruined the moment.  To be honest, I have no idea whether the girl was crying because of some supernatural connection to God, lack of sleep, comment that triggered a past memory, or one of the other thousands of possibilities, but interestingly, my initial thought was to blame Him.  Even more interestingly, He used the opportunity to remind me how much He loves me.

I'm in a mission organization where stories of miracles and supernatural events are common conversation.  One of our speakers told a series of personal and miraculous stories.  Some that saved His life.  We just talked about miracles again this morning.  Many of us have an intense desire to cast out demons in Jesus' name, or pray over the deaf, blind, cripple; hoping that we will be able to participate in miraculous events.  We all want to see the cool working of the Holy Spirit, but what about the uncomfortable workings of the Holy Spirit?  What about the times when you start crying for no apparent reason, or feel an intense prompting to apologize to someone?  What about those times when you know without a shadow of a doubt that God wants you to give to the homeless beggar, forgive your sister, or share your faith with your coworker?  Does the group really want to experience God then?

I know I don't, and God knows that too.  He knows I run around telling people that Christ is Lord, singing "I surrender all" during church worship, and chasing the miracle stories.  But let's examine those statements.  Do I really surrender all?  Do I really make Christ Lord when the times get tough?  Do I really want to experience the power of the Holy Spirit; even when it's uncomfortable?

Sometimes I treat God like the annoying little brother that I keep in the corner until I need to prove to the world that I’m a "good" big brother.  I keep the Creator of the Universe at the "kid's table" until I’m ready to experience some miracles, or ask Him to get me out of a financial bind.  How does that makes Him feel? 

God's feelings.  That's a unique concept.  I realized today that I read the bible for my benefit.  I am looking for insights that will help me understand the world, and learn a cool concept.  But what about God?  What does it mean to read the bible for God's sake?  What does it mean to read the bible so I better understand what my Father is feeling?  When is the last time I asked my Father to tell me about His day?

Now as I said earlier, I have no idea if that girl was crying because of the Holy Spirit, yet I blamed Him.  That might seem like a silly story until we start looking at the millions of people every day that blame God for the death of a loved one.  Or an insurance company calling Hurricane Katrina an "act of God."  Why do we immediately play the blame game with God, and more importantly, how does that make God feel? 

I'm reminded of the story of Job.  He experienced a lot of bad stuff, and started demanding that God give Him reasons.  God steps in and says, "Who are you to question the Maker of the heavens and earth?"  I always took that as a challenge from God, like He was saying, "Come on Job; take your best shot.  Hit me if you can." I'm just throwing an idea out here; maybe that's the whole story.  Maybe God was saying to all of us, "Josh, I created this whole world; you and the rest of your family.  I loved you with a passion like you have never known.  I want to save the lost more than they want to save themselves.  I have the universe in my hand, yet desire to spend more time with my creation than my creation wants to spend with me.  You choose to walk away; loving money and cars more than. You get angry when you don't get your way, use that anger to destroy feelings and relationships, and I have to watch the whole thing because you choose to say, "It’s my life. I do what I want."  I'm willing to die for you.  I, the God of the Universe am willing to die for you.  And you say give ME a reason.  No Josh, you give ME a reason.  Why don't you love me?  Why don't you want to share life with me?  Do you realize how much fun we could have together?  What more do I have to give you?"

What would it feel like to create all the people in the world, die for them, and still have them reject you?  His love amazes me.

Now I want to take a second to apologize to everyone.  I realize that sometimes my messages seem condemning and convicting.  This week was physically exhausting for me, because my mind was constantly wrestling with the unfathomable mysteries of God.  I wrote multiple blogs, because I wanted to "get it right."  So, why do I write these messages that sometimes hurt everyone including myself?  My motives.  Many times my words are pointed because I’m trying to make myself the hero.  Other times it's because I’m tired of being confused and desperately seeking the absolute Truth. On rare occasions (and these are the essentials of ministry) it's because I want to help people see how great my Father is.  I want to say or do something so shocking that maybe one person will stop and say, "Wow, I can't wait to go home to my Father."

So please forgive me for my impure motives, and pray that God continues to transform my heart.  I want to give a special thanks to all the pastors and elders that have faithfully and diligently checked their agendas at the door: the special people at Woodlands who have served God instead of themselves.

desperation

There are many days when I worry about my security in Christ.  I worry that one day I will walk away from Him, like I’ve done so many other times, and somehow forfeit paradise.  I think the reason I worry about my security, is because I’ve forgotten that I deserve hell.

About 5 years ago, I met Jesus and fell to my knees.  At that time, I was the God of my life, and bowed to no one.  But His Holiness, His conviction and His power revealed my weakness and sin.  I told him that He deserved my service whether I ended up in heaven or hell

The next few months were full of growth, because I realized that although I deserved Hell, He chose to rescue me from it.  I loved and respected Him.  Slowly, the temptations in life led to one compromise after another, and here I sit: contemplating whether or not He loves me enough to save me from destruction.

It's not just my security that I wrestle with; it's the lust, pride, selfishness, envy and jealousy that plague me every day.  I can't go one day without comparing myself to another, putting others down so I can feel superior, and loving the praise of men over the praise of God.  How did I get here?  Why can't I get back to 5 years ago? 

Today our speaker admitted the deal she made with God, "Lord, I’ll serve you as long as you protect my kids."  One day her child was kidnapped by older boy who wanted to rape and kill her.  After an afternoon full of prayer and searching, she found her daughter safely returned.  That night the speaker heard the lord say, "Brenda, I rescued your daughter, but is that where our relationship ends?" 

In an act of vulnerability, the speaker told us that she would love to say, "Lord, I’ll never deny you," but realizes that the compromises of life are very seductive.

Why do we allow these compromises to affect us?  Why do I repeatedly deny Christ through my choices?  Why does Brenda have stipulations for her relationship with God?  I think it’s because we forget that we deserve Hell.  We think the chief end in life is to find our satisfaction and happiness.  That God is our servant waiting on our needs for a bigger bank account, ministry and ego.  But in reality, the chief end in life is to bring God joy.

Granted, we are His treasured possession, whom He wants to give a future full of hope, but like all good Fathers, He wants me to love Him more than any of His gifts, and I can only do that if I face reality: HE DESERVES MY LOVE.  HE DESERVES MY LIFE

He deserves these things, because I deserve Hell.  I deserve Hell, because I rejected Him for the Church of Josh.  Fortunately, He chose to rescue me.  How can I question whether God loves me enough to rescue me from myself, when I remember that while I was still His enemy, He chose to trade His life for mine.  A life that deserves worship, for a life that deserves Hell.  How amazing is that grace.

Do you want to know what God thinks about you?  Read these verses:

You may not know me, but I know everything about you (psalm 139:1)

I know when you sit down and when you rise up (psalm 139:2)

I am familiar with all your ways (psalm 139:3)

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered (Matthew 10:29-31)

For you were made in my image (gen 1:27)

In me you live and move and have your being (acts 17:26)

For you are my offspring (acts 17:28)

I knew you even before you were conceived (jer 1:4-5)

I chose you when I planned creation (eph 1:11-12)

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book (psalm 139:15-16)

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live (acts 17:26)

You are fearfully and wonderfully made (psalm 139:14)

I knit you together in your mother's womb (psalm 139:13)

And brought you forth on the day you were born (psalm 71:6)

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me (1 jn 8:41-44)

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love (1 jn 4:16)

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you (1jn 3:1)

Simply because you are my child and I am your father (1 jn 3:1)

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could (Matthew 7:11)

For I am the perfect father (matt 6:31-33)

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand (James 1:17)

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs (matt 6:31-33)

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope (jer 29:11)

Because I love you with an everlasting love (jer 31:3)

My thoughts towards you are countless as the sand on the seashore (psalm 139:17-18)

And I rejoice over you with singing (zeph 3:17)

I will never stop doing good to you (jer 32:40)

For you are my treasured possession (ex 19:5)

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul (jer 32:41)

And I want to show you great and marvelous things (jer 33:3)

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me (deut 4:29)

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart (psalm 37:4)

For it is I who give you those desires (phil 2:13)

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine (eph 3:20)

For I am your greatest encourager (2 thess 2:16-17)

I am also the father who comforts you in all your troubles (2 cor 1:3-4)

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you (psalm 34:18)

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart (Isa 40:11)

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes (rev 21:3-4)

And I’ll love you even as I love my son, Jesus (jn 17:26)

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed (jn 17:26)

He is the exact representation of my being (heb 1:3)

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you (rom 8:31)

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins (2 cor 5:18-19)

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled (2 cor 5:18-19)

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you (1jn 4:10)

I gave up everything that I might gain your love (rom 8:31-32)

Nothing will ever separate you from my love again (romans 8:38-39)

Abandoned for faith

Faith is a verb, just as much as it is a noun. Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of things unseen. Faith requires action. Faith is putting a belief to the test. Faith is telling a small group of students that God will provide, and then dropping them off in a random Belizean town with no passport, money, cell phone or clothes. My faith was definitely tested this past week.


So this past week, was our “faith week.” On Wednesday, we got on a boat with our leaders and brought to a bus station. They told us to pack a change of underwear, essential toiletries, and bug spray. “Awesome,” I thought, “maybe we will spend the night at the Mayan ruins...” or maybe the leaders will put us on a random bus with a one way ticket, and shift all of our faith on God.

As you can guess, the second was true. We were placed into teams of 4, put on a bus with an envelope, and instructed to open the letter once we left the station. Our group was tearing the envelope open half way through the gate, and reading a letter that told us how we would travel two hours to a random city, stay there for two nights, and return on Friday. Did I mention that we had no money?

As I was asking myself how I’ll provide for these three girls, a young man named David asked me if I was a missionary. God was teaching me that He is the provider, and my heart leaped for joy because I knew God sent David to us. Little did I know that God actually sent us to him.

David got off the bus with us and led us around his town, and eventually let us rest at his house. We spent the afternoon talking with his mom, and played with his little siblings. Random prayer sessions broke out, and David started asking questions about our faith. I wanted to have the “right” words and verses so badly, but I couldn’t. I felt crippled. David deserved theological explanations, but I was like a little child. “How can I explain all the truths of God’s love in five minutes? I’m the worst missionary ever! I should have paid more attention in Pastor Doug’s evangelism class.”

Eventually, we found out that the church near David’s house had a wed night worship service, so we made our way over there with David. I explained our situation to the pastor, and told him that we need a place to stay. He told me that they would try to figure something out after service, and ran off to start the worship time, which was in Spanish. I understood nothing, but have never felt so overwhelmed with joy in my life. I stood next to my group with a smile from ear to ear, happy to be in the presence of other believers, and full of peace. I felt safe, I felt like I was home.

The worship music stopped, and the pastor said he wanted us to share why we were there. I went up front and began to preach (probably yelling because I was so excited and overcome with joy). I told the congregation how I sometimes feel like Peter when he told Jesus he would never desert Him. I tell the world that I believe in Jesus, and have faith that He will rescue me, but fail to live it. I run from trials, I envy other people’s comforts; I even rebuke people for their lack of faith. Me, a man who puts more faith in himself than he does in God, call himself a Christian “saved by grace through faith” in Christ? Hypocrite is a better word at times! But none the less, even when I’m faithless, He is faithful. I might not know theology, but I know that. I saw that.

The way the congregation reached out to us is amazing. They let us stay on air mattresses in the church. The pastor’s family fed us; the congregation gave us money, the body worked exactly like it should. I stood in the middle of the church thanking God for His blessing, and looked over to see a lady talking with David. She told me how amazed she was to see David in church, and felt that God used us to bring him back. God used me, not by fancy words, or sound arguments, but by David’s personal desire to help and show compassion. I take new meaning to the words of Paul:

“When I am weak, then I am strong”

disappointed with God

I feel disappointed with God. In fact, I live life in disappointment.  I refuse to be decisive or bold, because I'm afraid God will fail me. I say prayers like, "Lord, please do 'such and such'... if it's your will," because I'm trying to make excuses for Him.  It's not that I'm trying to protect God's reputation; it's that I'm trying to salvage the last bit of hope I have in Him.  But hey, I’m just being honest.

Do you ever feel that way? Do you ever wonder why bad stuff happens, even though we are fervently in prayer? Do you ever ask:

Why is my ministry failing
why is my family falling apart
why does worship bore me
why can't I work up the courage to share my faith, etc, etc

Do I ever!

Other times I have people ask whether or not I find my worth tied into what I do, and that's a tough question.   I have enjoyed discipleship school.  Worshiping God every day, reading the bible continuously, and listening to lectures, but to be honest, sometimes I feel as thought I can't do it anymore. I don't want to be sitting around; I want to be starting a ministry. I want to be working with the poor. I want to be making money and supporting myself. I really don't care what I’m doing; I just want to do something. So, "No," my worth is not defined by my job; it's defined by something else...

Results. I define my self-worth by my results. That's why I hate sales, raising support, and even evangelizing. I'm not in control of the results. I can't force anyone to buy my product, go to my church, or listen to me preach. I've tried. Again and again and again. People probably thought I was the most annoying kid at work. I would constantly tell people that they should come to my church, or join my bible study, or follow Jesus; but if the proof is in the pudding, then I’m about as worthless as they come.

And I sit around blaming God for feeling worthless, because God said He came to give me this elusive abundant life. I expect Jesus to give me a free meal, and instead I get failure. I do everything I can, I call people, personally invite them, set up fun events, imitate them, praise the, even try to buy them, only to find disappointment. Why is that?

I think the reason I get so disappointed is because I misunderstand my worth. "God, I spent 20 hours raising support, and you give me $20!? Is that all I’m worth to you? Even Wal-Mart thinks I’m worth more than that." I wonder how many times I have broken God's heart, because I misunderstood Him. God never said I should expect a large ministry, or a free meal. God said I should expect a life of persecution, trials, rejection, and sacrifice. Strangely, I don't get disappointed when I fail to see that result.

I'm not saying that we should set the bar low, I’m saying set it higher than we can imagine, and then believe we are worth even more than the greatest accomplishments in the world. That's why I want to be in a relationship with Jesus; so I can hear Him remind me of that every day.

Passion

Before he was a Christian, Jeff Pratt was a leader in the mormon church, and this week he came to speak with us about passion. He started with a story about his days as a mormon, and how he traveled cross country with a pretty girl who left her christian church to become a mormon. She said it was because of his passion.


"Passion is attractive and contagious in today's society," he said.

So what does that say to a guy like me, who is passionate about everything and nothing at the same time. I know in the past i was passionate about all sorts of destructive habits. Did that passion cause other people to get wrapped up in them too? And what about the times when i had so many things on my plate, that i couldn't seem to get passionate about a single thing? I have people yell at me all the time because I don't get passionate about their vision. I mean, if it's your vision, why should i care? Do you ever feel that way?

I now realize that it wasn't necessarily his passion that won her over, as much as it was her lack of passion that allowed his passion to be effective. We have seminars, text books, leadership camps and the like, that will teach you how to get others passionate about your vision. But here is a different idea; what about helping them get passionate about their own vision? I mean, will I be held accountable for not being persausive enough, or will I be held accountable for my lack of personal passion? More importantly, will you be held accountable for my lack of passion or yours (Rev 3:16)?

I'm not trying to persuade you to agree or disagree with me about the burdens and responsibilities of a leader. Hey, what does a 25 year old know about leadership? Instead, I say these things, because i'm on a personal journey to find my passions, and want to show you what i'm struggling with. Althought I am thankful to have a starting point. Jeff said:

"Passion for Jesus is the fruit of my awareness of His love for me."

Amen. Do you lack passion, specifically for Jesus or the Church? Try to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ for you (eph 3:17-19). Tell Him that you don't grasp it, and then ask Him to show that it to you. I know He wants to show you His love, and I know that knowledge will transform your life if you let Him.

break the mold

I sat next to a Catholic man on a plane ride from WY to WI this last spring. In my spiritual pride, I decided to pray for an opportunity to lead him to a saving relationship with Jesus once I found out he was catholic. Little did I know that the next hour would be spent with him discipling me.


My view on the Catholic religion was very skewed growing up. I thought they worshiped the dead, were part of the mafia, and kept their bibles in trophy cases; taking them out only during exorcisms. This man was totally different. He was able to navigate his bible and scripturally explain his view points. But then he said something that completely contradicted my understanding of church history.

He looked at me and told me that Martin Luther did a horrible thing by dividing the Church, and his action has led to the thousands of denominations we now face. Did I hear him correctly? In my church, Martin Luther is hailed a saint: a captain of Truth. Maybe he is, but how can we justify the division of the churches when Jesus prayed the following in John 17: "May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me"?

Contradictions from the church leave me frustrated and confused. I thought I was fleeing from that pain when I came to YWAM, because I thought everyone would think alike. Fortunately, God had a better idea.

Last week we had a speaker discuss praying the will of God into existence, and then this week we experienced a hurricane threat. There was a lot of concern and evacuation talks, despite the fact that many of the leaders said that God doesn't want people to experience homelessness. Well, if God wants us to pray His will into existence, and His will is to protect us from the hurricane, then why not pray the hurricane out of existence? Could it be that easy?

I went into prayer and asked God, "Father, is it possible to figure out your will logically, and then run around praying miracles into existence?" He answered with Isaiah 55:8, " 'my ways are not your ways, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord.' " Ok, I thought, logic will fail me. Instead I need to ask what His will is so I can pray that into existence, but why?

That's when diversity became essential for my qwest. A friend said, very matter of factly, "God's will is whatever brings him the most glory." Ahh, the missing link. I have to ask God what His will is, because I don't know the outcomes of specific situations. Only He knows what will bring him the most glory. But that only led to another question.

Why is His glory is more important than the homes and lives of people in the path of the potential hurricane. He answered me through another verse; 2 Peter 1:3, "His divine power has given us everything for life and godliness, through our knowledge of Him, who calls us by his own glory and goodness."

That's it! The more glory God has, the more He shows His love, because He uses His glory to call us into an eternal relationship with Him! That revalation brought me so much comfort and joy, and did you notice that diversity was required to bring about that joy?
Diversity is beautiful, and can be so instrumental to our growth if harnessed correctly. The charasmatic preacher can motivate and encourage us to run in faith; while the questions from the theologan can help us stand in awe. Unity in the midst of diversity brings God glory, and people are brought into an eternal relationship.

Warning: Hard Hat Area

we started our lectures this week, and were blessed with the privaledge to hear Peter Warren speak.  He gave us an amazing week of foundation rebuilding.  I forgot how important foundation is.  Sometimes i want to build a house on sand.  I think to myself, "we can save a ton of time if we skip the foundation part.  I mean, no one sees the foundation anyways..."

I guess that's what they were thinking when they built the leaning tower of pisa.  A weak foundation eventually gets found out, plus it costs a much greater price to maintain and repair.  Sometimes, reparation is impossible.  You need to level the building and reset that foundation.

I found that out while listening to Warren.  I built my life on weak foundation, and needed to take a sledgehammer to the walls in order to reset my foundation on the rock.

My foundation was built upon Christ, but it wasn't as strong as it could be.  I remember becoming a christian as a young child because my parents were Christians.  I wanted to make them happy, and I thought the alternative to heaven was kinda scary.  In 1 Peter 3:15, the Apostle says that we need to be prepared to give a reason for the hope that is in us.  I personally don't want to be the guy who kicked the dirt while mumbling, "cuz it's better than hell."

So, how did Warren help me reset my foundation?  Well, he reminded me that God created us to be in relationship with Him.  I've mutter that phrase a hundred times during sunday school, but deep down i always struggled believing it.  I knew that people will go to hell unless they accept Christ as their personal lord and savior, so I saw a conditional component to God's love.  God doesn't love conditionally though, and you need to look at the original blueprint in order to understand that. 

God created Adam and Eve in the perfect garden, with the perfect relationship with Him.  They didn't have to do anything in order to be in paradise, they just had to exist.  Unfortunately, we all make some really dumb decisions.  We lie, steal, cheat and hurt other people.  Those sins prevent us from experiencing a relationship with God.  Luckily, God wants to rebuild our foundational relationship with Him. 

The mosaic law didn't save people, so He made Himself the foundation.  The earth is falling apart, so He will create a new one.  Our relationship is hindered by an enemy who hates us, so He will cast Satan into Hell so we can enjoy His relationship to the full extent.  He will remove the pain, the hurt and evil that perverted His original plan.

I'm so grateful that my foundation has been reset, because its much stronger when built upon Christ's love.

unbelizable

God is in the business of relationship.  He uses them to face fears, find freedom, feel love.  At least, that's what has been happening here.



I met my roommate on the first day and he was a belizian who wanted to live life to the fullest.  "no fears man," was his motto, and i quickly realized that he meant it.  There were actually two belizians, and they have both helped me feel safe while outside my comfort zone.  This was very important, because I quickly discovered that i feel uncomfortable in the ocean.  There are so many dangers, and thanks to hollywood, i am very familiar with all of them.  I hear the theme song for Jaws whenever i am unable to see my feet in the water, and swimming out to the reef brought that out again.  Gratefully, both the Belizians took me under their wing and encouraged me to explore the secrets of the sea.  On my first day i saw a deadly fish, captured a starfish, and went spear fishing.  But with all those accomplishments, i still felt as though something was holding me back...

The next few days were very similar. On thursday we had a night of sharing our testimonies, and i was so encouraged by the other people.  I was in a room full of Christians who struggled just like i did.  Regardless of the faith of their parents, they were all broken.  Childhood is a battle, and we all leave with scars.  Whether it's addictions, abuse, or wishing we had a "great story" to tell; everyone feels a bit unsatisfied.  Amazingly, I think we found some of that satisfaction on friday.  

Friday started just like every morning, until one of the ladies stood up and confessed how she was hurt by guys growing up.  She was sobbing through the entire testimony, and really broke down some walls in the room.  Except for me that is.  I started to feel uncomfortable and lacked compassion because i was focusing on my own feelings.  The base director asked if anyone else had to share, and then read a bible verse that sliced my heart to the core.  I was terrified, not just because i had to confess my secrets to strangers, but because my secret involved a past that hurt girls like her.  I was that boy growing up.  i was the guy who was so concerned about his feelings, that he was willing to hurt girls.  I had no idea why God would call me to share this in a room full of girls, but He knew what was best.  I immediately broke down and was rescued by all of these strangers.  Encouragement and love was poured upon me.  Hearing people tell me that they accept me regardless of my mistakes, helped me accept the forgiveness that God was trying to give me.

Not only that, but I began to feel compassion like i have never felt before.  The next three hours consisted of people confessing their secrets outloud, and my heart broke with every word.  I don't konw if i've ever cried more in my life.  Ladies talked about how they were hurt by guys, and guys shared their struggles with controlling lust and aggression.  I realized that so many people have struggled with the same things, and want someone to say "you are not alone."  Transparency and forgiveness are essential to community, and community is one of the greatest gits that God gave us.  It breaks my heart that so many people experience life apart from that because they fear they will be rejected.  There is someone who will never reject you....ever.

I already feel Belizean

Jeff Spicoli has a son, and he is scuba diving with me in Belize. Well, that's not entirely true, we haven't gone scuba diving yet...

I woke up at 2:50 am this morning and flew to Belize today. Upon arriving, I met 6 random, yet incredibly interesting people. I really don't know what I was expecting, but I don't think this was it.

As much as I believe the old adage, "you can't judge a book by it's cover," I still do. It's my secret sin, but now it's out; I'm a judger. I size you up within two seconds and put you in a box. I have boxes for all sorts of people: the hipster, the cynic, the poet/lover/hypocrite/jock. I know; I didn't think the poet/lover/hypocrite/jock existed either! I categorize people so I know how to interact with them. I assume that a musician wants to talk about music, while the guy with a beer belly wants to talk about the bears/packers rivalry. You don't spend 4 years as a corporate salesman and walk away without some nifty party tricks.

What's even worse, is that I catch myself putting my God in a box at various times too, but I confess my sin in order to encourage you. Sometimes God will bust out of that box and do some amazing things, like how He amazed me with His choice of missionary characters.

I mean, you would think that every 20's something Christian from America would be about the same right? Or at least shallow enough for me to size 'em up and spit 'em out...

We got the kid who looks like the hippie, the kid who actually is, the cool confident guy, the constantly distracted southern bell, innocent Ingrid and a wise sage. Interestingly, I can't wait to find out more about these people, because the kid who looks like a hippie is actually a wise sage, the kid who is a hippie is the type of guy that will push me to face my fears, the innocent Ingrid is so full of compassion that I want to cry when she opens up about her struggles, and so on and so forth. Each person I met so far has already shown a unique characteristic that:

a. didn't fit inside the box I made for them

b. is a strength that I lack

c. makes me respect them so much

God is so cool. I'm excited to see how He uses this diverse group to help me grow more like Him, and I hope that I can bring you along for the ride.

Please pray that my heart stays open, and my attitude stays loving.

Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.

Matthew 7:13

"God uses men who are weak and feeble enough to lean on him." — Hudson Taylor

"The road to ruin is paved with good intentions," is an old saying that I am starting to appreciate. I realized that not everything is bad, and if I try to fix everything, my good intentions may ruin it. I'm the type of person that draws heavy lines between right and wrong. I‟m right, you are wrong. Once you're wrong, I have the right to judge you. My experience in Africa showed me that sometimes things are just different. I became angry about the way Africans asked me for things, even though asking isn‟t always wrong. Jesus told us to ask God when said, "Ask, and you shall receive; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you." There are two reasons why I was so upset with people asking me for things; the first because I‟m selfish, and the second is because I struggle with asking. I don't want to humble myself to ask others for help, instead, I would rather fail independently. Does that mean I should model the Africans in their ability to ask? Not necessarily. I‟ll never find JUTE; Josh's universal theory of everything. I try though. I want absolutes in life, so I can pride myself on my good deeds instead of living by faith. The bible has a lot to say against that: "Now it is evident that no one is justified before God by the law, for “The righteous shall live by faith.” Galatians 3:11.

I'm going to sidestep, and ask that you think about what I am about to write: some things are wrong. The phrase "Jesus is a great man and moral teacher," is an example. Jesus doesn't say He is a great man or moral teacher, He says He is God Himself. That's why He was crucified by the religious leaders in His the day. Jesus repeatedly called Himself God (Matthew 26:63-64), and that He alone holds the key to eternal life, "I am the way the truth and the life, no one comes to the father except through me," john 14:6. I believe that He alone can save me. The reason I believe Jesus is God, is because He said so. He was dead for three days and rose again, and I will listen to the one who has authority over death. I also can testify that my life has been changed by knowing Him in an intimate way. I never would have thought that one day I was going to sell the things I own, say goodbye to the girl I love, and head off on a journey to better understand Him. But that is exactly what I‟m doing, and it's because I want to. He changed my desires. I‟m scared, but I‟m also excited to experience intimacy with the creator of the universe. I'm trusting that He knows what is best for me, and will always accept me despite the flaws I have. If you are seeking that kind of eternal and unconditional acceptance; ask. If you have accepted it; then trust. If you are trusting; then tell the world about what He has done for you.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled conclusion; to quote the 70's, "what a trip, man." God has shown me amazing things about Himself, and helped me realize that I‟m not the center of the universe; He is. I'm just another guy grateful to be here, and trying to live out my faith the best I can. What do I know of holy? I'm trying to learn how to accept differences and love people in spite of them. I'm trying to learn that I‟m not a macho man; just an ordinary Joe that has an extraordinary God to sustain him. I'm trying to learn that it's okay to fail, because my righteousness is credited to me by faith. And I‟m trying to learn that God deserves all the glory. He is beyond anything I can even imagine.

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.

Matthew 28:19

"The spirit of Christ is the spirit of missions. The nearer we get to Him, the more intensely missionary we become." — Henry

The last couple days of our trip revolved around a pastor's conference which our host had invited us to. The Pastor's Discipleship Network (http://www.pdnafrica.org) is a program that Ronnie and Richmond Wandera created in hopes of helping pastors in Uganda lead stronger congregations. Richmond was a child who lost his father at age 7, and had to struggle with hopelessness until a program called Compassion International came and trained him in the ways of the Lord. He is currently at a seminary school in America, working on his thesis in discipleship.

Richmond explained that many of the problems in Africa revolve around witchcraft, even though it seems like everyone is a Christian in Africa. There is an African saying that many have one foot in the temple and one in the shrine. In effect, many of the African Christians were pulled out of culture of witchcraft, yet still face temptation to go back. It's similar to when I devoted myself to the Lord, but still had a desire to spend all my money on drinking and cars. I learned that the more I invested into reading the bible, prayer and being mentored by older men, the less I was drawn to selfishness. Richmond believes the lack of discipleship allows many Africans to remain with one foot in the shrine, and he is prepared to fight for discipleship. Richmond and Ronnie created the PDN to help pastors train young men and women in the ways of the Lord.

Richmond helped me realize the potential of discipleship.

My final days in Africa were bitter sweet. I had met amazing and warm people, but I experienced a lot of heartaches in the process. God revealed a lot to me, especially my dependence. Near the end of my trip, I started reading a book on cross cultural mission work (something I wish I would have read before I went). The book started with the story of a monkey on an island. One day the monkey was climbing around in the trees and looked down to see a fish struggling to swim upstream in a strong current. This monkey had a gentle and delicate heart that felt compassion for the fish, so the monkey reached down, grabbed the fish and placed it on a dry piece of land. The monkey was encouraged to see the fish hopping around in excitement, and as the fish finished "dancing," it fell into a peaceful rest. The monkey was so proud of his charity, that he patted himself on the back as he walked away. Now, we realize that the monkey did more harm than good, but many times we play the role of the monkey. The book went on to explain some of the struggles of cross cultural mission work. The biggest lesson for me was that you need to study the culture before you act, lest you become like the monkey.

And the King will answer them, "Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me."

--Matthew 25:40

"Let my heart be broken with the things that break God's heart" — Bob Pierce

Ever since we got to Africa, we noticed that we could barely go a day without someone asking us for money, or to participate in a project to help Africa. My first experience was a random guy at our hotel calling me over to discuss my devotional study on Romans. Being an American missionary, I thought, "Wow, this is a great opportunity to share the gospel;" um…that's not what the guy wanted. It was clear within two minutes that he wanted my help to develop a program to help all of Africa (his words, not mine). That was the day my heart became hard to their plight.

Every day was like that, and now we were sitting (on our "tour" day) in a village where people asked us for more money to build a school. “Come on!” I thought. We were already giving our time and money to the medical clinic; what's enough? Not every white person is rich, and yes, our country's infustructure is awesome, but that says nothing about my personal bank account. In a month, I'm leaving the country I was born in, selling most of my possession, losing a lot of money by quitting my job, and spending close to ten grand in order to be a full-time missionary. I wasn't upset with the villagers though, I was upset with my tour leaders for bringing me here. This was their fault (see that blame again?)

And the King will answer them, "Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me."--Matthew 25:40

The last person to address our group was a young girl with a heavy accent. The last words out of her mouth were, "please look at Matthew 25," and then she read it. I felt conviction when she read the verse: "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me." In this passage, Jesus is telling people that whenever you give to the poor and orphaned, you are giving to Him. Wow, did I need to hear that passage right then. My selfish heart immediately melted, and I was reminded what it meant to give. “How much can I give?” That depends on how grateful I am for His gift.

I thanked the Lord that He used her to soften my heart, and helped me realize that I can't love people like I think I can. I can love children, because their gratefulness makes me feel good, but I can't love my enemy. I can‟t even love the friend who makes me impatient, because I'm so concerned about my own feelings. Love isn't a feel though; it is a conscious choice to treat someone created in the image of God with dignity and respect INHERINTLY deserve, instead of the dignity and respect they EARN. Thinking about that makes me realize how impressed I am by the men and women who get up in front of their families and loved ones; who stand before their congregations and their God; who stand and look each other into the eyes and say, "until death do us part," and last. Both people have made a choice to make a daily choice of submitting to the other person's needs. Not everyone can do that. I know that I can't by my power alone. That day I discover my selfishness, and dependence upon God to change that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRqDmDohTLM&feature=related

Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.

John 16:23-24

"The history of missions is the history of answered prayer." — Samuel Zwemer

The remaining time at the clinic became much easier to handle, even though it became much worse. I saw so many people that I was unable to help. I saw glaucoma, blindness, pingueculae, pink eye, and all sorts of other things. I saw a man who was unable to stand because polio had crippled and stunted the growth of his legs. It was hard, but I realize that my job isn't to save them, instead it is to treat them with the dignity and love that someone created in the image of God deserves. I became much bolder in my prayers and realized that I could help people find comfort by turning their focus on Jesus. He doesn't always remove us from suffering, but He came to earth to experience it first hand in order to bring us hope and comfort.

Dickson became a much closer friend in the later days of the clinic, because he was so wise and experienced in the ways of the lord.

One day a young man approached me at clinic and described his vision problems. I told him that I believed he was experiencing eye strain, but the patient asked if it could be due to witchcraft. I was taken aback by the question, because he was serious. So, I asked him whether he was involved in the witchcraft and he responded that he wasn't, but kids from the school will cast curses. I asked Dickson to help me with the situation, because of my inexperience with witchcraft. Dickson and the young man spoke for a bit and then began to pray. I have never experienced a prayer as powerful as the one Dickson presented. Have you ever seen those movies that show Baptist preachers down south yelling "I heal you in the name of Jesus," and then showing the lame, walking; the strong, falling, or the blind, seeing?

Well, that's what Dickson sounded like, although I don't know whether that young man's eyes became healed. It was a remarkable experience either way, because what those movies can't portray is the way your whole body tingles and feels like you were just injected with steroids when you hear that prayer. I was shocked, and amazed by the faith Dickson had. After the young man left, I expressed my admiration to Dickson, stating that I've never heard someone pray with that kind of authority. Dickson went on to explain all sorts of things about prayer, and specifically praying in the will of God. I hope I never forget the teaching that I received that day, but I do know that that was the day I realized the power of the Name.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.

Isaiah 55:8

"The best remedy for a sick church is to put it on a missionary diet."

— Unknown

(part 3 from my time in Uganda)

We arrived at the clinic, excited to be out of the public, only to find hundreds of people waiting for us. But this is why we came here: to save people. I thought to myself, "Wow, this is going to be awesome." That's the one thing I learned on this trip: my thoughts are wrong…a lot!

I worked in the vision center during the clinic, which meant that we would give glasses to

people who needed vision correction. Sounds easy, right?

People from prior clinics said that the vision center was one of the busiest sections, but after 30 minutes, we only saw 2 or 3 people. I didn't understand, and became frustrated. I traveled thousands of miles only to waste my time standing around. As the day went on, more people started showing up, and my frustration shifted away from boredom to helplessness.

People started explaining their problems, which included tired eyes from reading, itchy eyes from dust, eye sensitivity from the sun, etc. The people were genuinely concerned about their vision, but didn‟t need me to help: rest your eyes after 15-20 minutes of reading, wear goggles when traveling in dusty areas by motorcycle, wear sunglasses and don't look at the sun. Why would God bring me here in order to tell the patients (what I thought) were common sense solutions. Not only that, but these people were tired and upset after traveling miles and sitting for hours, just to hear, "I‟m sorry, glasses won't help you."

I don‟t like telling people "No," but unfortunately, it didn't matter how easy the solution was. I didn't have the tools to help them, and therefore spend my day disappointing them.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.

Isaiah 55:8

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6

"Never pity missionaries; envy them. They are where the real action is — where life and death, sin and grace, Heaven and Hell converge." — Robert C. Shannon

By 11 am, I was at the end of my rope. I thought I was going to cry, because I felt so helpless. “I can‟t help these people,” I thought. That‟s when I remembered that one of the locals was running a prayer clinic, and decided to try that. "Hey, I know how to pray," I thought. (Remember what I said about my thoughts?)

I found Dickson, and asked him if I could pray with his team. He quickly said yes, so I asked where the prayer room is. To clarify something here, I need to explain that before I asked him whether I could pray with the team, I was under the impression that a group of old ladies were making petitions to God in some secluded room. I mean, that's how we pray in America...interestingly enough, that's not how they pray in Africa.

Dickson interrupted my train of thought and said "Here Josh, pray with this guy," and introduced me to a man that spoke English in a very heavy accent. "Where do I begin," I asked. "Ask him if he wants to accept Jesus," was Dickson's reply. WOAH...let's take a step back here. My name is Josh Wheeler, but I think you have me confused with Billie Graham.

The first guy I spoke with told me that he was a Christian and wanted prayer for his health and the dreams he was having. I asked him about his dream, and he told me about a lake of fire with his family walking towards it. I prayed for him and moved on to the next guy, who said he needed prayer for health and dreams as well. This guy experienced repeated nightmares involving monsters that woke him from sleep. Finally, I spoke with another person who said he was struggling with the news that he has AIDs. My helplessness went from bad to worse. I can't help these people; in fact, I had become helpless and scared. I got myself into a situation right out of a Stephen King novel. I am way out of my comfort zone, and praying for these people was emotionally, spiritually, and even felt physically draining. I realized that I needed to take a break, and as I left, I felt as though I was wading through chest-high water. I couldn't even hold my head up. "What am I doing here," I thought?

As I sat down to eat my lunch, I prayed, "Lord, I don't understand. These people have problems that I can't solve, and in fact, it must hurt them more that I can't even relate to them." That's when I felt God say, "Pay attention Joshua. Look at these people before you pray with them. They are scared; they are distraught, and trying to hold it together. Look at them after you pray; they are comforted and full of peace. It's not because of you, but it's because the Holy Spirit will comfort them." That's the day I realized that there is power in prayer.