my battle for understanding

this winter i was struggling (privately, and deceptively) with sin. i was trying to make it go away on one hand, and wanted to justify it on another. I asked myself "ok, if i'm praying for healing and it doesn't happen, what does that say about God? The bible talks about predestination and free will at the same time. At what level am i responsible for god not correcting me" So, i looked into predestination versus freewill. read bible passages, looked at commentary on the subject, etc. And then one day something happened...

I became frustrated with the lack of answers i received, and the problem came to a climax one morning after i heard about two Pastors make contradictory statements. I was reading my devotional and one pastor said that our situations in life are controlled and directed by God (for example God hardening pharaoh's heart, moses being found by an egyptian and raised an egyption, etc). I said "ok, i'm fine with being predestined for this life, i can now move on." I left my house, got in my car, and heard another pastor on the christian radio quote a scripture John 5:6 "wilt thou be made whole" where Jesus asked a man what he will chose to do in reference to his salvation. Free will vs. Predestination. Contradictory statements in a matter of 20 minutes, by two well known pastors!

I was irate (that is probably an accurate description of my feeling at that moment). I was so angry at God, i think i might have even yelled at him. "WHY...WHY WHY WHY. IF YOU ARE SO GOOD, GOD, WHY DO YOU LET ME BE SO CONFUSED??? YOU POSITION THE EVENTS THAT OCCUR IN MY LIFE, AND THEREFORE FORCE ME TO BE FILLED WITH THIS FRUSTRATION, THIS ANGER, THIS RAGE?????"

Needless to say, i quickly apologized, and told myself to calm down. It didn't seem fair though. why would God do this to me? I continued my drive to work, and then it hit me:

Job 38: "Who is this man that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me."

God is AWESOME! God REIGNS! God ALMIGHTY IS SOVEREIGN, AND HIS WISDOM IS BEYOND COMPREHENSION! Who am I to question His will, and what knowledge do I have to try and understand His thoughts? Whatever may come, whatever direction the scale tips, I am putting my faith in the God I don't fully understand, but I can fully trust and love.

I learned a lot that day about how awesome God is.

I think that's part of the reason we struggle; so that in the end we can get a glipse of how infinitely awesome He is. This "glipse" will inevitably do the one thing he requires; allow us to stand in awe!

the journey through the abyss

After I completed my open water dive test a few weeks ago, i found that it was a very unique feeling. There are like 7 different emotions that run through you at the same time: first the relief of not having to worry about the test, then the sense of accomplishment, the sense of freedom in knowing that you can dive whenever you want, the excitement of thinking about the discoveries you will find, the sense of wonder in seeing the world in a new perspective, the confusion in dealing with all the emotions, and finally the desire for more. I think in all of these things, the one feeling that has stuck with me is the sense of wonder. I still think of my experience, and remember the world feeling like it was new.

See when i went diving for my open water exam, i went to one of the murkiest, cloudiest lakes they have in wisconsin. Oh, and the sun was hidden behind the clouds, so it was dark as well. The visibility was 6-10 feet, which means that you couldn't see see the top or the bottom of the lake when you were in the middle. (Although someone told me that it's good to train in water like that, because i'll be able to enjoy clear water all the more.)

So here is the scoop: I stepped into the lake, and slowly descended for my first time. Not knowing what to expect, my heart raced with fearful excitement, as i started to pick up speed going deeper. I first realized that my breathing stopped as soon as my ears began to hurt from the extra pressure, so took a moment to breathe while i clear them. It was good for me to stop, because i needed a chance to slow down and grasp what i was experiencing. Here i was, twenty feet below the surface, and looking at a dingy brown...nothing. It was like i lived on the set of an old western movie. You know those old western movies that are suppose to be black and white but are actually a copper color? Just like that, i was staring at a vast field of flat brown dirt. That's when it hit me, unlike the westerners being able to see miles in all directions, i could only see 5 feet! Anything could be looming just past my field of view, and i would have no idea. that's when my mind started racing...

"what happens if you run out of air," what happens if you get tangled up in the seaweed," "what happens if you are attacked by a fish," "what happens if you get lost," etc etc. I think the scariest thing about any unknown experience is having to meet the voice in your head. That voice will say all sorts of things to convince you to tuck back into your shell. Self preservation is the game, and that voice has been able to practice for 24 consecutive years. You can try to ignore the voice, putting your fingers into your ears and singing "la la la la la la," and at first you can. It's easy to ignore a pestering little mouse scratching on your skull, but that mouse doesn't continue to scratch for long. Eventually it turns into a rat and will start to gnaw. you can ignore the rat for a while too, (i mean, who cares if "you get attacked by a minnow," but eventually that minnow turns into a muskie...), and that rat is growing into a rabid dog barking inside your head. You can't ignore a dog barking, just like you can't ignore the panic of being alone in the lake with no visable point of reference. I've found that you can ignore the mouse, and save your manliness (i mean, who wants to admit they are worried about a little ol' mouse), but you will eventually have to face that rabid dog. For me, it's best to deal with the concern while it's still small so i don't have to conjure up some "warrior-based" courage to deal with a monsterous fear.

You know, that brings up a question: are couragous people more couragous than the average person, or do they just face the problem while it's small and also deal with the building concerns incrimentally? For example, do they say "ok, i have this mouse that i need to deal with...bam, that wasn't so hard. Oh, now i have to deal with a bigger mouse. Well i dealt with a small one, so this one will just require a tiny bit more courage...bam done. Ok, now i have to deal with an even bigger mouse, which has foam by the corner of it's lips. It's just a tiny bit more courage than the last one...ok done." I mean, if you stand on the carcass of the previous enemy, you can give yourself the boost to stare the new enemy in the eye. That's just what i think.

Anyways, so here i was in the middle of this dark lake, and i'm trying to follow the instructors yellow fins. That's all i could see...those yellow fins. The weird thing was that as long as i saw those fins i was completely relaxed. The moment i lost sight of them, though, my heart rate shot up and that little mouse of doubt started barking and growling. To let you in on a little secret, i actually did get lost at one moment, and had to surface. I don't know if that disqualifies me, but it did make me feel like a failure. i let that voice win, that irrational, self-serving, miniscule voice win. It sucks, and it made me feel like i was weak. I was not the man i thought i was. I wasn't john wayne standing in the brown field facing 150 indians with bows. I was one of the ladies that Mr. Wayne sent into the house for the betterment of my "own safety."

Oh those fins, those magic fins that gave me the courage of a lion. At that moment, i would have followed those fins into the abyss, and explored the dangers of the deep. I would have stared the loch ness monster in the eye, and wrestled a giant squid. Nothing could stop me, except losing sight of the fins. That brings me back to my opening paragraph. The one emotion that i remember with the greatest accuracy and detail was my sense of wonder in seeing the world in a new light. You could guess that i saw the world in a new light because i faced a fear, or because i tried something new, but you would be wrong. Well, not entirely, i mean both of those statements are correct, but they are not the reason i see the world with a new perspective. The reason i see the world with a new perspective is because i was able to make a connection between those fins, and an analogy that has be repeated to me for the past 15-20 years; the analogy of a lamp illuminating a path. This analogy that i speak of can be found in psalms chapter 119, verse 105: "your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."

See, when i was growing up, i had people tell me the story of Peter walking on water, and how he was fearless and brave until he took his focus off of Jesus. I also remember singing "thy word is a lamp unto my feet" in church because it was the "right" thing to do. I remember saying words like "Jesus will illuminate my path," but having no idea what that meant. I mean, I figured that I didn't know what it meant because i didn't need to know. I lived my life by deciding what i want to be doing 5 years into the future, and working really hard to gain it. I even worked to gain it when i knew i didn't want it anymore; but hey, i made a commitment to get it. But the thing i've learned is that it's nearly impossible to plan 5 years into the future, and have your plans fall into place. I mean, 5 years ago i was taking chemical engineering classes, and planning on making 60-70k a year. Now i'm working at an insurance company making a quarter of that. 5 years ago i planned on living in FL or AZ, now i live in Point. 5 years ago i planned on leading a company to greatness, now i'm letting christ show me His greatness.

How do the words "thy word is a lamp unto my feet" relate to scuba fins? Well in both cases, i was given a limited view, but that limited view sustained me. More than that, it empowered me with courage. The "Jesus lamp" doesn't mean that i'm going to know the future (or i obviously would wouldn't have bragged to my High school buddies about how great i was) it just means that i will be able to face the next step with courage and confidence. The lamp that God sets in front of my path is what it's like to follow those yellow fins, because I will have the courage to face the abyss as long as i keep my focus on the leader.

what is love, baby don't hurt me. (don't hurt me no more)

In my last blog i mentioned that i have a few possible directions in life, and am trying to allow God to show me the path He wants. I explained that the frustation of waiting was a learning experience and that i could sense peace at different times. Well, this weekend was not one of those times.

This weekend was horrible. My mind was in a constant battle with itself, and i thought i was going crazy. One side of my brain was saying "figure out the details, because you can't assume that God is going to walk up and put this wonderful plan into your hands." The otherside was saying "don't assume you know what's best for yourself." Eventually, that battle made me weary and began to turn into one side saying "you're frustrated Josh, you are burned out, you are putting too much weight on your shoulders," while the other side said, "you are so close to finding your answer, you will be a quitter if you don't press on." There were other thoughts like that, and it went on for days. As someone who wants the answers now, and is fine with rushing ahead and dealing with the collateral damage later, I was confused and angry that i couldn't just "make up my own mind."

My mind eventually went down that road, the "WHY CAN'T I JUST DO WHAT I WANT GOD!!!?WHY DO I MAKE THIS SACRIFICE, AND HAVE TO SUFFER FOR IT??! I HAVE MADE THE CHOICE TO SERVE AND RESPECT YOU, AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME? I'VE MADE THIS SACRIFICE, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE...." road. You know, the tired, weary, broken path road that eventually leads you to get angry at God for refusing to give you what you want. Yeah i went there, and yeah i said some things and had some thoughts that i really shouldn't have had. I played the blame game, excusing myself for any of the heartache i was feeling, and putting it all on God. It wasn't until i started journaling that i realized what i was really saying. "look at what i've done God, what have you done?"

Thinking back on it, i chuckle a bit because it's such a stupid question. At the moment that i realized what i said though, i felt ashamed. I felt horrified that i could ask such a self-rightous, arrogant, insolent question. Who am i to question the motives of the lord? Who am i to demand answers from God? Who am i??? Really, i'm selfish, arrogant, self-rightous, and foolish. Not only am i all of those, but 90% of the time, i don't even realize it. It's extremely dangerous when you are too proud to realize your pride, or too stupid to stupidity, and i know this from personal experience...

So, for your reading pleasure, here is the other "Cool Josh" moment of the week: on one of my conference calls last week, i became frustrated with my teammate and started pointing out her weaknesses in front of everyone. I was brash and condesending, mean and hot headed. The inappropriateness of my behavior was prevelent to everyone except myself. My manager actually called me into her office and asked what was wrong. I told her that my colleague was "untrainable." For future reference, never tell your manager that their employee is untrainable. Anyways, my manager came down on me and said "look, you have anger issues and there will be a change one way or another." Hmm, I guess arrogance will eventually come back and bite you.

Long story short, i make lots of mistakes, and flipping out at the wrong person, at the wrong time is definately one of them. Looking back, i wouldn't change these situations one bit. I would change my reaction to the situation, but i wouldn't change the situation at all. Now i realize that i made a lot of dumb mistakes, and that i learned a whole lot. I learned that i was flawed (unfortunately i forget that A LOT), but why is it important to learn that?

First, i found that when I think i'm perfect, i grant myself a license to get angry at other people. It gives me the right to neglect other people's emotions and feelings. Oh, and i found out that my teammate hadn't been sleeping because i was so harsh. I can't believe how mean i can be at times.

second, being flawed (and at times wicked) showed me what true love is. I shudder to know that i came at God with arrogance and a self-rightous attitude. I bow my head in embarrassment to realize that i arrogantly said "look at all i have done for you, what have you done for me." But i turn back to praise Him, because what He did 2000 years ago paid the judgement for that statement. Without knowing just how wicked i can be at times, i can't ever know how great His love for me is. True love isn't shown by giving it to the ones that deserve it; true love is shown when it is given to someone that really doesn't deserve it.

your will be done

"not my will but yours be done." Have you ever prayed that prayer? I mean, have you ever HONESTLY prayed that prayer? I just started praying that prayer last month...for the same thing. I should clarify, i have been praying for the same thing for the past two months, although actually meaning the words "your will be done." I really didn't think that would mean it would take a quarter century to get a response...

About 5 or 6 weeks ago I started thinking about my future, and realized that i'm coming to a turning point in my life. I have a few options opening up, and want direction from God. I thought to myself "Wow Josh, i'm so proud of you for even contemplating what God wants you to do with your life." See the thing about type A people, is that we don't like to ask. We don't want advice, we don't want direction, we don't want anything but our will. For me to say "God, i'm too weak to make these decisions by myself" took a lot out of me. I honestly thought that God would say "Joshua, i'm glad you are proud of yourself, because i'm proud of you too. Here is your wish, and i'll talk to you again when you need something!" That's not the way it worked, though. Instead I became more confused, and more frustrated with the choices that lay in front of me. I didn't know my direction, i couldn't choose my direction, and now it seems like it's going to take me longer to acheive the result of the direction. These are all things that are definitely NOT 'a' type personality.

So what's the deal, what's the point of asking God for His direction, when it doesn't come right away? What's the point in being obedient if you get yanked around and taken on a frustrating rollercoaster. I mean, i'm frustrated. There were times when i literally pounded my fists on the nearest object available. Times when i wanted to punch my teammates in the mouth. Times when i wanted to tear my hair out and scream and cry. I mean, how frustrated does a grown man (i'm considering myself a man here) have to be before they want to cry about it? Why why why...

Well, i'll tell you that i haven't received my answer yet. I'm still waiting on the lord, and even though it's been a month from hell (or so it seems), it's been soooo worth it, and here is why:

One of the plans i'm struggling with is deciding whether to move to Seattle and start a company. At one point, i believed the seattle plan was God's direction. I remember being excited for "a new adventure," because my personality requires me to "experience life". I'm not satisfied watching from the sidelines. Not only was i excited, but the way the situations were coming together, and the lessons i've been learning in my daily devotional, I felt it was God's plan. I started assuming that i knew what God's plan was (which made it my plan) and therefore put all my dreams into this unstable emotional basket. As i was talking to a friend, i realized that i'm still confused on the direction God wants me to take. I was frustrated. I am a man who was afraid to move, became excited to move, and then began to hold onto that plan to move with a clenched fist. I became afraid that God was going to take "my dream" away, while at the same time was afraid that i was asking God for direction while He was holding a door open for me. I became very confused until i realized the most amazing truth of this week...

God is blessing me right now. He is allowing me to experience the struggle between my plans and his. allowing me to experience patience versus stagnation. He is training me and allowing me to experience what i need to experience to serve Him. And even though i'm struggling, i'm blessed. i feel His joy, i feel His love, i feel His guiding hand and presence. The joy of God revealing Himself is worth more than my self appointed excitement for a "new experience."

See the thing I've learned is that true joy comes from the lord. Sure, exciting new adventures, exciting new cars, trips, babes, etc, those are all fun. I mean, why would people buy something unless it was enjoyable and gave them some sort of happiness. The problem is that i typically confuse happiness with joy. Happiness is fine, but happiness is nothing compared to joy. Joy gives you a feeling like you are drunk with excitement. Joy gives you complete satisfaction. Joy is rare and only comes from God. While i was (and still am) struggling, i had experienced moments of joy, and those moments helped me realize that sometimes God makes you wait for the really good stuff, because you need to learn something. So what have i been learning you may ask...

Well, i've learned the importance of not putting my results before my relationships. i've learned that there is a difference between complacency and waiting. I've learned that i will be joyful if i wait on the lord and remain obedient to Him, and even more so, that i would much rather have joy than excitement. Finally, I learned (today) that there are times when I can be content with who i am, and the position i have in life. I don't need to accomplish work for christ, i just need to rely on the accomplishment christ made on the cross. I'm just fine as i am, and it won't matter if i die in stevens point or in seattle. just as long as i wake up in heaven.

talk about labored breathing!

If someone was watching my reaction as i hit the water, they would probably have noticed a few things. My eyes became fully dialated and panic overtook my expression, my breathing immediately ceased, and my body became tense due to the addrenaline rush. In fact, my face probably became red or blue, depending on how long it took me to finally breath. Can you blame me though? I was trying to break free of the historic/evolutionary training that i've lived with all my life, because people don't breathe underwater...unless they scuba.

Scuba diving was amazing. In fact, it was my own personal brand of Heroine (to quote Edward Cullen haha). I just went sky diving a few weeks ago, and i can verify that this was 10 times better! Sky diving was an adrenaline rush for sure, but scuba diving; scuba diving was like winning the super bowl. As a guy that never played football, i guess i should pick a different analogy.

The thing i liked best about scuba diving was that it allowed me to explore places i've never been before (yes, i'm an explorer by heart), while at the same time teaching me self control. Sky diving taught me that i have no control over the external things in life, while scuba diving taught me that i need to practice self control. When i dove into the water, my breathing stopped, and i had a brief moment of panic surge over me. I had to physically and emotionally force myself to breathe! In out, in out, in out. Then i realized i was breathing too fast, so i had to force myself to slow down. Then as something caught my attention, i forgot to breathe again, so had to force myself to begin breathing. It required so much self control: something that i needed.

Self control...that's probably the biggest struggle i have. I think fast, i act fast, i move fast. I don't want to be sitting around; i don't want to struggle. The ironic thing about a lack of self control, is that you can't fix it yourself. I mean, how does a guy with no self control, build up the self control to implement self control??? it's impossible. I've been blessed to have people around me help build up these characteristics inside my life. My pastors John and Doug, my stephen minister Luke, and now my scuba instructor i guess. Nah, i don't really think the scuba guy has any say over that manner, but scuba diving helps sharpen the saw (to quote stephen covey). It help me practice controlled breathing, which is the closest thing i can get to controlled behaviors. Let go of the things i can't control, focus on self control, and love the life i live.

chute don't fail me now

As i let go, I can feel my stomach jettison into my chest, and vibrate with the racing of my heart. My brain feels as though it is churning in my head. My body is in shock from the cold. I procede through emotions of fear, anxiety, worry, panic, and helplessness in a split second. Time has stopped, and confusion takes hold. My brain shuts down and i fixate on the ground racing towards me at 120 feet per second. Then it stops.

My brain recovers it's bearings, and acceptance sinks in. I'm skydiving, and there is nothing i can do but watch the world race towards me. This is the most exhilarating feeling of my life. Just a typical Sunday...j/k!

This past sunday i went skydiving, and it was one of the most incredible feelings ever. It was fun, but even more than that, it was a true learning experience. Before i go any further, I guess i need to take a step back and give you some background information...

So about 4 weeks ago, one of the coolest people i know found out that she was going skydiving for her birthday. She asked me if i would go, and i imediately said ok. A few weeks prior to that, i had looked into it for myself, and decided that "someday" i would go. Well someday happened sooner than later. Nothing really changed in my head after the deposit was put down. In fact, even on the drive there, i was pretty cool and collected. I signed the waiver with a slight tremor, but I had spent almost a month preparing myself to remain calm. I am a man, men don't get scared.

The training started with the instructor asking giving us a pep talk, explaining that this was the most nerve racking experiences we will ever face in our life. He said that we should admit our fear, because our adrenaline would peak too sharply if we didn't. He said that men frequently lie about their feelings, and then have a horrifying experience when that happens. At that moment i realized that i was in trouble if i didn't come clean with my emotions. I realized that i would hate the experience, and might cause lasting trauma. So I broke down. I didn't cry or anything, but i let myself admit that i was scared. I was really scared. What if the chute doesn't open, what if I chicken out, what if i can't stop from spinning in the air?

The most amazing thing happened after i admitted those emotions to myself; i fell into a peaceful excitement. I was scared, sure, but nothing was more freeing than admitting my humanity. To embrace my limits, and realize that it's okay for me to be afraid. That doesn't make me less of a man. It takes courage to examine your weaknesses. It takes strength to admit your frailty and still proceed. This was the release i needed, and ironically, it's something that i need to do more frequently in my everyday life.

After the training, i get on the plane to elevate to 12500 feet. At this moment, i was still peacefully excited. The instructor straps onto my back and opens the door: still peaceful. I put my leg out of the plane and feel the wind throwing my leg around: still peaceful. I lean out of the plane and realized "this is it, the moment of no return:" still peaceful. Then the plane falls away, and panic sets in. I was completely out of control, and there was no way for me to get it back. I was past the point of no return. I have a confession to make; i'm a control freak. I feel as though the world could come crashing down around me, and i would remain calm as long as i could see a way out. Without that way out, i'm VERY uncomfortable. I do everything i can to refrain from putting myself into that position, because it scares me to death. That's why i had so many emotions running through my head (refer to opening paragraph). I spun around and finally got into a position which allowed me to get my bearings back. That's when my mind cleared and allowed me to accept the reality that i have no control. That was a very erie feeling, and something i am not use to.

The experience allowed me to realize something; i should live my life in that "erie zone," because how much of my life do i really have control over? I can control my behavior, but can i really control anything else? Can i go to sleep at night and say "i can guarantee that I will wake up tomorrow"? I know i can't, yet for some reason i say i can. I can't guarantee anything in my life, besides how i behave. Self control, and that's really the one thing that i don't have. It's a strange reality. I spend my life trying to control the situations around me, but spend absolutely no time on learning to control ME. I feel like i want to neglect my job so i can do God's job, and in the process neglect both. An analogy i just thought of is this: God is the one controling the weather, yet i pick out my clothing for the day without checking to see if it's raining. I think that the weather should revolve around my plans, and not that i should revolve around God's plans. It's because i don't like the erie feeling i get when i am not in control. Get use to it Josh; you will never control the weather.

If i think about it though, i wouldn't want to control the weather. It would always be sunny if i did, and then the plants would die and i would starve to death. I have no ability to manage something that grand, and instead should just readjust to fit God's plan. It's easier that way. It always works out better. I can fully trust God, but i can't trust myself. I wish i would always remember that, but i'm just human. I'm prone to forget. I'm prone to fail. Luckily, my father will pick me up and brush me off. All i have to do is get use to living in the "erie zone."

the food crisis in america

http://www.hulu.com/watch/67878/the-future-of-food

A lot of times i go to the grocery store and pick out the same sort of food. Cheap, easy to make and loaded with preservatives/concentrates/complex carbs. I'm going to be honest, it's because i'm lazy. i'm too lazy to spend 20-30 minutes a night making something to eat. i want to pop it into the microwave. Also i'm selfish. i stock up hoping to save money and shopping time and realize that 2 weeks later i'm throwing away a lot of extra food. i think those characteristics stereotype americans.

i just watched a documentary on the use of genetic modification in the production of crops. http://www.hulu.com/watch/67878/the-future-of-food I've never really been big into the green movement, so i'm surprised i watched the show. The documentary told a tale of big corporations building an empire which would capture the control of the food source. If you capture the food source, you cause people to depend upon you. if you cause people to depend upon you, you can have anything you want. you can become a god.

You probably ask, how this plays out. Well, the chemical companies created a pesticide which made them a lot of money, so they used that money to buy the seed companies. Then the conglomerate was able to create a seed that incorporated pesticide resistance, so the farmers would be able to quickly and easily increase yeilds. The conglomerate did something remarkable though, they patented the genetically modified seed. The reason this is remarkable, is because the ability to patent a living thing, is a bit proposterous. Think about it; if you made a genetic enhancement to increase the fullness of your hair, would the company be able to have control of your hair? Not only that, but if you had off-spring, would the company be able to have control of their hair? Obviously not, but this is exactly what the chemical companies did!

The other thing that is remarkable about putting a patent on plant life, is that seeds are transplanted from one area to another through the use of: wind, birds, deer, rain etc. If your gf/bf kissed you, and the saliva containing dna became ingrained in the partner, would the company own the partner too? Again, this is something that the conglomerate did. And they sued you if their grain came into contact with your land. Personally, i would think that the farmers should be able to sue the companies for contaminating their land with genetically engineered plants, but alas, the companies put lobyists into place to prevent that sort of "logic" from showing up.

Moral of the story, the farmers are losing a battle of independance, while they are being required more and more to depend on the conglomerate companies. Not only that, but the conglomerates are building power, and will eventually try to maintain control over every seed that is planted. This will put the ability of those to eat in the hands of a few men. We will depend upon these men, if things work according to their plans.

but i bet you are wondering how that relates to my initial statement regarding my laziness, discontentment and selfishness. Well, as i think about the role genetic engineering is playing, i realize that it's a horrible operation that will have even worse results. What action will i take though? I've known about organic food for years, but never bought it because i thought to myself "yeah but it's too expense" or "yeah, but the modified food is in nice little microwavable packages" etc. I'm selfish. i'm lazy. American's realize the disatrous effects of our decisions, but the consequences aren't great enough, and relevent enough to us, that it causes any real change. i'm going to take this down a linear path which might seem a bit overboard, but i want this to sink in. 5 million people starve to death every year. The reason they die is NOT because of lack of food production ability, but because the lack of distribution. The lack of distribution is not because of lack of ability, but because of lack of action by people who control resources. The lack of action by people who control resources is not problem i should worry about though. i can't control what they do, so to spend even one second of my day desiring their heart to change is foolishness. Wasting time is the most foolish thing i can do, because time is the real commodity; not money, or oil or power. Time. and just think, i wasted it writing this blog unless it helps me to be a man of action.

contentment

6 months ago i bought a tv. it's a pretty nice tv. I loved that tv. i spent days in front of that tv. i spent twenty minutes deciding that i needed that tv. i had everything i wanted...

A few months ago i began loathing that tv. i dreaded the minute i would sit down in front of that tv. i felt trapped behind that tv. i am selling that tv. (well, i have a verbal sale, so hold off on the offers)

If i look back, i can see what happened. I started feeling like somehting was missing in life, so i thought a new tv would fix it. i was discontent about something, and instead of allowing myself to be uncomfortable, i quickly purchased something that quickly filled the void. Once i had the tv, i started feeling guilty sitting behind it. i would always watch tv and movies, when i very well could be doing something much better with my time. How weird is that? To bounce from loving something to hating it in the matter of months. What is going on to create a discontentment so large that it has a $1000 swing?

To be honest, i've been hearing alot about contentment lately, and it's something i struggle with a lot. First i felt the stress of work tearing me apart, then on sunday my pastor talked about it, and finally i had people talking about how they are unhappy with their current situation. I had so many kids my age ranting about things ranging from wanting to get married, to wanting singleness; from wanting my job, to me wanting their job; from wanting a new car, to wanting a new bike; from wanting to be alone, to wanting constant attention. i mean, i think the 20's are full of people that don't really know what we want, and are discontent with our discontentment. I mean, when does it all work itself out for people?

Also, at what age does discontentment cease to be an issue? The majority of the people that I heard complaining where in their 20s, and one guy in his 30's said that he doesn't deal with that issue anymore; he just came to terms with his life. I believed that discontentment was only a "youth" thing, until i was around some guys in their late 30's and 40's tonight, who were complaining about their current marriage situations. I've never been in that situation, but it was like they were telling us not to get married, and that we probably don't know what we are getting ourselves into. It was not a very hopeful topic.

So, i guess i'm still struggling with this issue of discontentment, and what it really means. When does wanting a new job move from being a "grass is always greener" issue to a "it would be wise if you got out of that situation" issue? Why is it wrong to live without contentment? What are the consequences?

Our pastor on Sunday said something that really struck my heart. He said it was a sin to be with out content. Yikes!!! i knew Pastor was right, it made sense in my heart, but not in my head. So i started looking into my heart. i realized that part of the reason that it's a sin is because i am telling God that He doesn't know what's best for me. I'm telling God that even though i appreciate the forgiveness of my sins through the cross, it's not good enough for me. I want more; (or to be even more brazen) i deserve more. Taking an honest look at that statement startles me. Not only that, but discontentment leads to wickedness. One of the references that pastor used was from Luke 3:13-14, in which Jesus told the soldiers of the day to be content with their pay and refuse bribes and extortion. I mean think about that. Using people as a means to an end. Look at sex slavery, and how disgusting that is. The owners are not content with making an honest wage if it means that they will have to forego the fancy car. How disgusting is that practice, yet i think deep down a lack of contentment will lead people to the practice of using people as a means to an end.

Obviously, i don't think that everyone who lives without contentment will buy and sell women on the blackmarket, but how many times have you cheated someone because you weren't content with 2nd place? How many times have you lied or stole to get your way, because you weren't content with what you got? I know i do it all the time. i struggle with that lack of putting others ahead of myself. I guess when i look at what the end result of discontentment is, i really don't like it. I really don't want to be the person who got ahead in life by using other people, or stepping on them. i want to be the person that treated everyone as a person, whether I get rich or poor in the deal.

That leaves me with more questions like the ones above though. I want to be content, but how do i get it? are there times when i should push forward to remove teh discomfort i feel with my lack of contentment? Is it ok to be content with being discontent, or must you find discontent with discontent? I don't know...

giving my 100%

I had my 6 month review last week...don't worry, i'm still saving lives at Travel Guard (one policy at a time), and my manager asked me for feedback. Well here we go!!!! Time for me to tell them what i really think...

Anyways, i said that i'm a bit frustrated with the current territory that i've been given to manage. There are many unique variables that create an aura of... impossibility. I told my boss that i look around the office and i see other people doing well because their territories aren't as devestatingly messed up. Then i created a list of reasons why I shouldn't be paid in comparision to my coworkers (there are between 8-12 good reasons). I don't know what good will come about my whining, but it was the appropriate time to admit my frustrations.

I went home that night and slept well, realizing that sometimes i just need to admit my weaknesses and hope that i will be given help. It was liberating to express my setbacks to someone that could actually do something about it. In fact, that whole week was draining. I was carrying around weight that left me exhausted by mid afternoon. My boss even noticed that i looked beaten down. That was last friday.

Today is wednesday, and i'm still struggling with this feeling of frustration. I thought i would recover by venting, but i guess not. i'm still leaving work exhausted and torn down. I've started to realize why i'm so tired; it's because i am worried about paying off my school loans by the end of the year (i make commission, so it's possible to do that). I feel like i would be able to give so much more to charities or whatever if i didn't have that burden weighing over my head. Part of the reason i am in such a hurry to pay off debt is because i'm reading about called "money, possessions and eternity" by randy alcorn. It's a great book, and i highly recommend it to anyone who is curious about the eternal things (heaven/hell).

Well, tonight was a good chapter. Alcorn talked about how we are not compared by other people's standards in the next life. It will not matter whether i donated 2 million dollars to charities or if i gave 50 dollars. What matters is that i gave 100% of whatever i had available to give. That made me think a bit...

Here i am, whining and complaining about the "poor" situation i'm in at work. How I work "super hard" to accomplish the tasks at hand, yet i'm not appropriately rewarded. I bet we can all related to that feeling. We all know that kid that works half as hard, half as long, and half as honestly; yet leaves work with a huge smile and more money in their pocket. Or do we?...

Take a step back, do you really work twice as hard as, honest as or long as some other kid? Personally, i think i would cringe to look at a video recording of my day. I know i talk to coworkers, i know i putz around between calls, i know i take lots of bathroom breaks (what???i have an overactive bladder, so sue me). How much time does that equate to? How much money is lost on my selfishness? How many people are much more dedicated to their position, yet i just squeek by; graced with a silver spooned tongue? It's straight up rediculous, the way i (and probably other people) have such an unfair look at our lives, and yet think everyone else is to blame.

For me, i have to realize that i'm required to give my all, and to realize that some battles are going to be lost. I can get my phone time up, i can have less chatter between calls, i can focus more intently on my job. There are a lot of things i can honestly, and realistically do to improve my current situation. Whining to the boss is not one of them. Ok, i have a confession to make. I realize that sometimes we do work much harder, longer and more honestly than our neighbor and still get screwed over in the deal. That's the reality of life i guess. I'm blessed because i realize that this life isn't necessarily going to be fair. I might not get all the credit that's due me. I might live with school debt all my life. The next life will be a time for me to be given what's due. I am positioning and investing my time and money into an eternal bank account, and the bank president is 100% fair and honest, 100% of the time. Everything i do, will come to judgement (both good and bad). This means that all the good stuff i do now, will give me an increased blessing in Heaven. Here is the best part...it doesn't matter to what level i give. I would be rewarded greater for giving 2 dollars if it was my all, than someone else would be rewarded 1 million dollars if they were a billionaire! God judges fairly, and He bases His judgement on what we do with what we are given. There is no partiality for the rich folks.

This means that i can still have the same reward in Heaven whether i am completely out of debt and give 1 million a year, or if i have school debts and can only donate 1000 a year. As long as i serve with all my heart.

Anyways, I'm glad i realized how unfair i was being towards my situation. How prideful i was to assume that my boss owes me something more. Praise God for being patient and imparting His truth on me. Now i guess comes the hard part...giving my 100%

save darfur...if we have time.

today i just watched a documentary on the genocide that is going on in Darfur.  The main character in the film mentioned how hopeless he felt.  How naive he was to assume that the pictures he took in Darfur would have any impact on the resolution that would occur from our president.

The documentary also showed a rally that President Obama attended, and even spoke at.  He said he was going to do everything in his power to stop the genocide in Darfur.  At the end of the documentary, there was a link to send an email to Prez Obama, and this was one of the messages i saw:

Last year, Barack Obama pledged to bring peace to Darfur with "unstinting resolve."

Unstinting resolve huh?

So i sent my email and now post this blog hoping that it will allow me to fall asleep tonight (:-P).  But think about that; unstinting resolve, what does that even mean?  If Obama really wanted to stop this with unstinting resolve, wouldn't it be done?  Oh, it's easy for us all to say "yup, we are America, the biggest and bestest country in the US," but really, who is Obama?  I thought about that as i wrote my letter to him; expressing empathy that he has a lot on his plate.  i mean, he walked into an economic crisis, has people fighting for "pride", "choice", stop the war, fight the flu, etc, etc, etc.  So is Obama super man?  Does he have the ability to work 28 hours a day?  i mean, how much can he really do?  He still has the time restraints of a 24 hour day; requiring food, sleep, rest, etc.  What is really the most important issue that he should deal with?  Is it Darfur, is it the economic crisis?  

At the end of the letter i wrote to him, (which probably goes to some entry level college freshman) i asked what was most important.  We all ask him for something, but how much can he do?  At the end of the email, i said to him "Please take an honest look at where our focus is, and ask yourself if it is the most ethical use of time and resources possible. Are we promoting genocide by refusing to act against it? What is worse, the markets crashing or wives and children mercilessly being raped and murdered? I pray that we are doing what is right."  Deep right???

Nah, that letter was a rediculously stupid waste of time and energy.  Instead of asking Obama what he thinks is most important, i should be asking myself what is most important to me.  What are my priorities?  Do i want to run around and capture more "stuff"?  Do i want to spend my money on entertainment and going out to eat with friends?  Should i ask the President to resolve society's problems for me?  is it fair that i ask him to take time out of his busy schedule to help people in Darfur, when i still over indulge in the pleasures of life?  At the same time, is life meant to suck?  Am i suppose to refrain from enjoying what i have?  What is that balance?  When should i stop providing for myself, and start providing for others?  What is my duty as a citizen of earth? 

I don't know the answers to these things, but i do know that i was given a conscience for a reason.  When i feel like i'm not doing my part, that's probably when i should be doing more.  I need to find balance though, and make sure that i don't let guilt drive me, but that my passion is driven by a sense of compassion for others.  That i do these things because my cup is overfilling, and i am wasting resources if i don't share. 

young, dumb and full of... grandiose plans that probably won't ever pan out...

how does that phrase go?  young, dumb and full of... grandiose plans that probably won't ever pan out...

i lived in Milwaukee when i was 2 or 3, and one day decided that i wanted to see my dad who worked at a pet store.  So i walked over to my mom, put my hands on my hips, set my jaw, and said "i'm going to the store to see dad."  She looked down at me and said "well, mom is busy right now."  I said "that's okay, i'm going to go by myself.  i'll just ride my bike."

 

i can imagine the reaction my mom had; she probably broke out in laughter.  Here is a kid, standing shin high, telling his mom that he is going to ride his tricycle the 1/2 mile to his dad's store.  He doesn't know the direction, realize the hazards that innercity milwaukee brings, nor how to defend himself.  Yup, she probably keeled over in a fit of hysteria.  How can you react anyother way to a boy that is so naive? 

 

I was telling my pastor that the previous story highlights my walk with God, because i spend a lot of time trying to help God through creating plans and trying to do things my own way.  God is probably sitting on His thrown listening to my thoughts, and laughing out loud.  "Josh is going to help ME complete MY tasks???  That kid is going to be in a hospital bed in three years, recovering from his stress induced heart attack"

 

For some reason, i feel that i need to work hard to complete the tasks that God is planning, but God isn't concerned whether i help Him or not.  He built the universe, and can surely accomplish His task.   The thing i need to remember is that He cares about my integrity as a man.  My character and my relationship with Him.  He wants me to grow in a relationship, and refrain from sinning because i realize that it hurts that relationship.  He wants me to have the desire to donate my time and money, because i realize that He is the only one that loves me enough to completely sacrifice Himself for me, and i want to show my appreciation.  I want to share my blessings with others who are hurting.  When He does great things for me, and i turn around and fight Him and His protection, wouldn't that seem unfair/unjust/unethical?  Why would i want to continue harboring these selfish feelins and insults?  

Now you might think, "oh this is just another idea for the religious people," but it's not.  It doesn't matter if you are christian islam, jew, athiest, etc; people should strive to create a better world for their neighbor, because no one can play our part for us: we are all gifted with unique talents.  We are all given things in life that we can share with others who need it to survive.  Whether it's donating to the poor, joining big brothers/sisters, showing kindness/love to anyone you meet, etc.  I mean think about it; i am a white middle class american, which means that my life is better than 90+% of the world.  30k people starve to death everyday!   That means 200 people in the world just starved to death while you read this.  We have to play a part, we have to share, we have to work, we have to do something...IT'S IMPERATIVE!!!  

My point is not that we have to sit on our haunches and do nothing, nor is it that we have to spend every moment of our life working.  No, my point is that there is a fine line between playing your role, and racing to solve all the world's problems on your own.  You will burn out if you try to do it all yourself.  No one is self sufficient enough to solve their own problems, let alone the world's problems.  But what i lack in attention to the details, you might be able to assist me with.  What you lack in imagination, i might be able to assist you with.  It's about realizing your weaknesses, developing character and integrity, and then making that choice of whether you are on board or not.

let the adventures begin

Well hello good citizens of earth (as though anyone other than myself will ever read this thing). Today i start an adventure that will take me to an all new level of existing. A place where my jumbled, fantastic and often times crazy thoughts can find a resting place. A place where all are accepted, respected, valued and allowed to stalk from the privacy of their couch. This place is called Joshuaville, USA (I am refering to this blog of course). So, what can a guy like me talk about? What tidbits of insight or value do I bring to the world wide intraweb? Well, i'm not sure yet, but i'm excited to find out. So for our first order of business...

How to solve the world's economic crisis. PSYCH! Maybe we should start with me. Well, i'm a reader, which i think is the biggest time waster EVER. Why read when you can save time and rent, right?
Anyways, lately i've been reading a book about King David (you probably heard the story of David and Goliath), and came to the conclusion that there are a lot of things i still have to learn about myself. It's ironic how you can learn new things about yourself by reading the account of another man's life. Watching how one person either succeeds or fails in life helps you put your own life into perspective, and determine where you want to take it. For example, i was reading how David's older brothers thought they were better than him, because they were older and bigger and definitely more wise. Then one day a man named Samuel was looking for a person that would fill the role of the new king, and went to David's house. His brothers were stoked because if anyone from the family would be king, it would probably be the first born right?...well guess not. David eventually became one of the greatest kings in Isreal.
Now this is were i come into play. I'm the first born: i'm also the best looking, most intelligent, strongest, cleverist, and most humble...obviously. I also have three younger brothers, two of which are a lot like me, and one who is a little more unlike me. Well, all of my life, i have thought myself better than these yahoos, mostly because big brother knows best (all the older siblings out there know this already...all the younger siblings probably haven't learned to respect their elders yet), but here i am reading history and realizing for the first time that sometimes younger brothers can become rulers of nations. Then I started thinking to myself "well dang, what happens if my little brothers become more powerful than me (umm, ironically one is a marine, and all of them are taller), are they going to be angry for the way i treated them?" Probably. Especially the marine who i use to punch mercilessly, until he got bigger than me (luckily Bush has kept him in Iraq long enough to ensure my safety for the time being). Long story short, reading a story about a boy who lived 2500 years ago convinced me that i still have a lot to learn about life.

Hopefully you will help me learn.