contentment

6 months ago i bought a tv. it's a pretty nice tv. I loved that tv. i spent days in front of that tv. i spent twenty minutes deciding that i needed that tv. i had everything i wanted...

A few months ago i began loathing that tv. i dreaded the minute i would sit down in front of that tv. i felt trapped behind that tv. i am selling that tv. (well, i have a verbal sale, so hold off on the offers)

If i look back, i can see what happened. I started feeling like somehting was missing in life, so i thought a new tv would fix it. i was discontent about something, and instead of allowing myself to be uncomfortable, i quickly purchased something that quickly filled the void. Once i had the tv, i started feeling guilty sitting behind it. i would always watch tv and movies, when i very well could be doing something much better with my time. How weird is that? To bounce from loving something to hating it in the matter of months. What is going on to create a discontentment so large that it has a $1000 swing?

To be honest, i've been hearing alot about contentment lately, and it's something i struggle with a lot. First i felt the stress of work tearing me apart, then on sunday my pastor talked about it, and finally i had people talking about how they are unhappy with their current situation. I had so many kids my age ranting about things ranging from wanting to get married, to wanting singleness; from wanting my job, to me wanting their job; from wanting a new car, to wanting a new bike; from wanting to be alone, to wanting constant attention. i mean, i think the 20's are full of people that don't really know what we want, and are discontent with our discontentment. I mean, when does it all work itself out for people?

Also, at what age does discontentment cease to be an issue? The majority of the people that I heard complaining where in their 20s, and one guy in his 30's said that he doesn't deal with that issue anymore; he just came to terms with his life. I believed that discontentment was only a "youth" thing, until i was around some guys in their late 30's and 40's tonight, who were complaining about their current marriage situations. I've never been in that situation, but it was like they were telling us not to get married, and that we probably don't know what we are getting ourselves into. It was not a very hopeful topic.

So, i guess i'm still struggling with this issue of discontentment, and what it really means. When does wanting a new job move from being a "grass is always greener" issue to a "it would be wise if you got out of that situation" issue? Why is it wrong to live without contentment? What are the consequences?

Our pastor on Sunday said something that really struck my heart. He said it was a sin to be with out content. Yikes!!! i knew Pastor was right, it made sense in my heart, but not in my head. So i started looking into my heart. i realized that part of the reason that it's a sin is because i am telling God that He doesn't know what's best for me. I'm telling God that even though i appreciate the forgiveness of my sins through the cross, it's not good enough for me. I want more; (or to be even more brazen) i deserve more. Taking an honest look at that statement startles me. Not only that, but discontentment leads to wickedness. One of the references that pastor used was from Luke 3:13-14, in which Jesus told the soldiers of the day to be content with their pay and refuse bribes and extortion. I mean think about that. Using people as a means to an end. Look at sex slavery, and how disgusting that is. The owners are not content with making an honest wage if it means that they will have to forego the fancy car. How disgusting is that practice, yet i think deep down a lack of contentment will lead people to the practice of using people as a means to an end.

Obviously, i don't think that everyone who lives without contentment will buy and sell women on the blackmarket, but how many times have you cheated someone because you weren't content with 2nd place? How many times have you lied or stole to get your way, because you weren't content with what you got? I know i do it all the time. i struggle with that lack of putting others ahead of myself. I guess when i look at what the end result of discontentment is, i really don't like it. I really don't want to be the person who got ahead in life by using other people, or stepping on them. i want to be the person that treated everyone as a person, whether I get rich or poor in the deal.

That leaves me with more questions like the ones above though. I want to be content, but how do i get it? are there times when i should push forward to remove teh discomfort i feel with my lack of contentment? Is it ok to be content with being discontent, or must you find discontent with discontent? I don't know...

giving my 100%

I had my 6 month review last week...don't worry, i'm still saving lives at Travel Guard (one policy at a time), and my manager asked me for feedback. Well here we go!!!! Time for me to tell them what i really think...

Anyways, i said that i'm a bit frustrated with the current territory that i've been given to manage. There are many unique variables that create an aura of... impossibility. I told my boss that i look around the office and i see other people doing well because their territories aren't as devestatingly messed up. Then i created a list of reasons why I shouldn't be paid in comparision to my coworkers (there are between 8-12 good reasons). I don't know what good will come about my whining, but it was the appropriate time to admit my frustrations.

I went home that night and slept well, realizing that sometimes i just need to admit my weaknesses and hope that i will be given help. It was liberating to express my setbacks to someone that could actually do something about it. In fact, that whole week was draining. I was carrying around weight that left me exhausted by mid afternoon. My boss even noticed that i looked beaten down. That was last friday.

Today is wednesday, and i'm still struggling with this feeling of frustration. I thought i would recover by venting, but i guess not. i'm still leaving work exhausted and torn down. I've started to realize why i'm so tired; it's because i am worried about paying off my school loans by the end of the year (i make commission, so it's possible to do that). I feel like i would be able to give so much more to charities or whatever if i didn't have that burden weighing over my head. Part of the reason i am in such a hurry to pay off debt is because i'm reading about called "money, possessions and eternity" by randy alcorn. It's a great book, and i highly recommend it to anyone who is curious about the eternal things (heaven/hell).

Well, tonight was a good chapter. Alcorn talked about how we are not compared by other people's standards in the next life. It will not matter whether i donated 2 million dollars to charities or if i gave 50 dollars. What matters is that i gave 100% of whatever i had available to give. That made me think a bit...

Here i am, whining and complaining about the "poor" situation i'm in at work. How I work "super hard" to accomplish the tasks at hand, yet i'm not appropriately rewarded. I bet we can all related to that feeling. We all know that kid that works half as hard, half as long, and half as honestly; yet leaves work with a huge smile and more money in their pocket. Or do we?...

Take a step back, do you really work twice as hard as, honest as or long as some other kid? Personally, i think i would cringe to look at a video recording of my day. I know i talk to coworkers, i know i putz around between calls, i know i take lots of bathroom breaks (what???i have an overactive bladder, so sue me). How much time does that equate to? How much money is lost on my selfishness? How many people are much more dedicated to their position, yet i just squeek by; graced with a silver spooned tongue? It's straight up rediculous, the way i (and probably other people) have such an unfair look at our lives, and yet think everyone else is to blame.

For me, i have to realize that i'm required to give my all, and to realize that some battles are going to be lost. I can get my phone time up, i can have less chatter between calls, i can focus more intently on my job. There are a lot of things i can honestly, and realistically do to improve my current situation. Whining to the boss is not one of them. Ok, i have a confession to make. I realize that sometimes we do work much harder, longer and more honestly than our neighbor and still get screwed over in the deal. That's the reality of life i guess. I'm blessed because i realize that this life isn't necessarily going to be fair. I might not get all the credit that's due me. I might live with school debt all my life. The next life will be a time for me to be given what's due. I am positioning and investing my time and money into an eternal bank account, and the bank president is 100% fair and honest, 100% of the time. Everything i do, will come to judgement (both good and bad). This means that all the good stuff i do now, will give me an increased blessing in Heaven. Here is the best part...it doesn't matter to what level i give. I would be rewarded greater for giving 2 dollars if it was my all, than someone else would be rewarded 1 million dollars if they were a billionaire! God judges fairly, and He bases His judgement on what we do with what we are given. There is no partiality for the rich folks.

This means that i can still have the same reward in Heaven whether i am completely out of debt and give 1 million a year, or if i have school debts and can only donate 1000 a year. As long as i serve with all my heart.

Anyways, I'm glad i realized how unfair i was being towards my situation. How prideful i was to assume that my boss owes me something more. Praise God for being patient and imparting His truth on me. Now i guess comes the hard part...giving my 100%

save darfur...if we have time.

today i just watched a documentary on the genocide that is going on in Darfur.  The main character in the film mentioned how hopeless he felt.  How naive he was to assume that the pictures he took in Darfur would have any impact on the resolution that would occur from our president.

The documentary also showed a rally that President Obama attended, and even spoke at.  He said he was going to do everything in his power to stop the genocide in Darfur.  At the end of the documentary, there was a link to send an email to Prez Obama, and this was one of the messages i saw:

Last year, Barack Obama pledged to bring peace to Darfur with "unstinting resolve."

Unstinting resolve huh?

So i sent my email and now post this blog hoping that it will allow me to fall asleep tonight (:-P).  But think about that; unstinting resolve, what does that even mean?  If Obama really wanted to stop this with unstinting resolve, wouldn't it be done?  Oh, it's easy for us all to say "yup, we are America, the biggest and bestest country in the US," but really, who is Obama?  I thought about that as i wrote my letter to him; expressing empathy that he has a lot on his plate.  i mean, he walked into an economic crisis, has people fighting for "pride", "choice", stop the war, fight the flu, etc, etc, etc.  So is Obama super man?  Does he have the ability to work 28 hours a day?  i mean, how much can he really do?  He still has the time restraints of a 24 hour day; requiring food, sleep, rest, etc.  What is really the most important issue that he should deal with?  Is it Darfur, is it the economic crisis?  

At the end of the letter i wrote to him, (which probably goes to some entry level college freshman) i asked what was most important.  We all ask him for something, but how much can he do?  At the end of the email, i said to him "Please take an honest look at where our focus is, and ask yourself if it is the most ethical use of time and resources possible. Are we promoting genocide by refusing to act against it? What is worse, the markets crashing or wives and children mercilessly being raped and murdered? I pray that we are doing what is right."  Deep right???

Nah, that letter was a rediculously stupid waste of time and energy.  Instead of asking Obama what he thinks is most important, i should be asking myself what is most important to me.  What are my priorities?  Do i want to run around and capture more "stuff"?  Do i want to spend my money on entertainment and going out to eat with friends?  Should i ask the President to resolve society's problems for me?  is it fair that i ask him to take time out of his busy schedule to help people in Darfur, when i still over indulge in the pleasures of life?  At the same time, is life meant to suck?  Am i suppose to refrain from enjoying what i have?  What is that balance?  When should i stop providing for myself, and start providing for others?  What is my duty as a citizen of earth? 

I don't know the answers to these things, but i do know that i was given a conscience for a reason.  When i feel like i'm not doing my part, that's probably when i should be doing more.  I need to find balance though, and make sure that i don't let guilt drive me, but that my passion is driven by a sense of compassion for others.  That i do these things because my cup is overfilling, and i am wasting resources if i don't share.