About 5 or 6 weeks ago I started thinking about my future, and realized that i'm coming to a turning point in my life. I have a few options opening up, and want direction from God. I thought to myself "Wow Josh, i'm so proud of you for even contemplating what God wants you to do with your life." See the thing about type A people, is that we don't like to ask. We don't want advice, we don't want direction, we don't want anything but our will. For me to say "God, i'm too weak to make these decisions by myself" took a lot out of me. I honestly thought that God would say "Joshua, i'm glad you are proud of yourself, because i'm proud of you too. Here is your wish, and i'll talk to you again when you need something!" That's not the way it worked, though. Instead I became more confused, and more frustrated with the choices that lay in front of me. I didn't know my direction, i couldn't choose my direction, and now it seems like it's going to take me longer to acheive the result of the direction. These are all things that are definitely NOT 'a' type personality.
So what's the deal, what's the point of asking God for His direction, when it doesn't come right away? What's the point in being obedient if you get yanked around and taken on a frustrating rollercoaster. I mean, i'm frustrated. There were times when i literally pounded my fists on the nearest object available. Times when i wanted to punch my teammates in the mouth. Times when i wanted to tear my hair out and scream and cry. I mean, how frustrated does a grown man (i'm considering myself a man here) have to be before they want to cry about it? Why why why...
Well, i'll tell you that i haven't received my answer yet. I'm still waiting on the lord, and even though it's been a month from hell (or so it seems), it's been soooo worth it, and here is why:
One of the plans i'm struggling with is deciding whether to move to Seattle and start a company. At one point, i believed the seattle plan was God's direction. I remember being excited for "a new adventure," because my personality requires me to "experience life". I'm not satisfied watching from the sidelines. Not only was i excited, but the way the situations were coming together, and the lessons i've been learning in my daily devotional, I felt it was God's plan. I started assuming that i knew what God's plan was (which made it my plan) and therefore put all my dreams into this unstable emotional basket. As i was talking to a friend, i realized that i'm still confused on the direction God wants me to take. I was frustrated. I am a man who was afraid to move, became excited to move, and then began to hold onto that plan to move with a clenched fist. I became afraid that God was going to take "my dream" away, while at the same time was afraid that i was asking God for direction while He was holding a door open for me. I became very confused until i realized the most amazing truth of this week...
God is blessing me right now. He is allowing me to experience the struggle between my plans and his. allowing me to experience patience versus stagnation. He is training me and allowing me to experience what i need to experience to serve Him. And even though i'm struggling, i'm blessed. i feel His joy, i feel His love, i feel His guiding hand and presence. The joy of God revealing Himself is worth more than my self appointed excitement for a "new experience."
See the thing I've learned is that true joy comes from the lord. Sure, exciting new adventures, exciting new cars, trips, babes, etc, those are all fun. I mean, why would people buy something unless it was enjoyable and gave them some sort of happiness. The problem is that i typically confuse happiness with joy. Happiness is fine, but happiness is nothing compared to joy. Joy gives you a feeling like you are drunk with excitement. Joy gives you complete satisfaction. Joy is rare and only comes from God. While i was (and still am) struggling, i had experienced moments of joy, and those moments helped me realize that sometimes God makes you wait for the really good stuff, because you need to learn something. So what have i been learning you may ask...
Well, i've learned the importance of not putting my results before my relationships. i've learned that there is a difference between complacency and waiting. I've learned that i will be joyful if i wait on the lord and remain obedient to Him, and even more so, that i would much rather have joy than excitement. Finally, I learned (today) that there are times when I can be content with who i am, and the position i have in life. I don't need to accomplish work for christ, i just need to rely on the accomplishment christ made on the cross. I'm just fine as i am, and it won't matter if i die in stevens point or in seattle. just as long as i wake up in heaven.
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