This weekend was horrible. My mind was in a constant battle with itself, and i thought i was going crazy. One side of my brain was saying "figure out the details, because you can't assume that God is going to walk up and put this wonderful plan into your hands." The otherside was saying "don't assume you know what's best for yourself." Eventually, that battle made me weary and began to turn into one side saying "you're frustrated Josh, you are burned out, you are putting too much weight on your shoulders," while the other side said, "you are so close to finding your answer, you will be a quitter if you don't press on." There were other thoughts like that, and it went on for days. As someone who wants the answers now, and is fine with rushing ahead and dealing with the collateral damage later, I was confused and angry that i couldn't just "make up my own mind."
My mind eventually went down that road, the "WHY CAN'T I JUST DO WHAT I WANT GOD!!!?WHY DO I MAKE THIS SACRIFICE, AND HAVE TO SUFFER FOR IT??! I HAVE MADE THE CHOICE TO SERVE AND RESPECT YOU, AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME? I'VE MADE THIS SACRIFICE, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE...." road. You know, the tired, weary, broken path road that eventually leads you to get angry at God for refusing to give you what you want. Yeah i went there, and yeah i said some things and had some thoughts that i really shouldn't have had. I played the blame game, excusing myself for any of the heartache i was feeling, and putting it all on God. It wasn't until i started journaling that i realized what i was really saying. "look at what i've done God, what have you done?"
Thinking back on it, i chuckle a bit because it's such a stupid question. At the moment that i realized what i said though, i felt ashamed. I felt horrified that i could ask such a self-rightous, arrogant, insolent question. Who am i to question the motives of the lord? Who am i to demand answers from God? Who am i??? Really, i'm selfish, arrogant, self-rightous, and foolish. Not only am i all of those, but 90% of the time, i don't even realize it. It's extremely dangerous when you are too proud to realize your pride, or too stupid to stupidity, and i know this from personal experience...
So, for your reading pleasure, here is the other "Cool Josh" moment of the week: on one of my conference calls last week, i became frustrated with my teammate and started pointing out her weaknesses in front of everyone. I was brash and condesending, mean and hot headed. The inappropriateness of my behavior was prevelent to everyone except myself. My manager actually called me into her office and asked what was wrong. I told her that my colleague was "untrainable." For future reference, never tell your manager that their employee is untrainable. Anyways, my manager came down on me and said "look, you have anger issues and there will be a change one way or another." Hmm, I guess arrogance will eventually come back and bite you.
Long story short, i make lots of mistakes, and flipping out at the wrong person, at the wrong time is definately one of them. Looking back, i wouldn't change these situations one bit. I would change my reaction to the situation, but i wouldn't change the situation at all. Now i realize that i made a lot of dumb mistakes, and that i learned a whole lot. I learned that i was flawed (unfortunately i forget that A LOT), but why is it important to learn that?
First, i found that when I think i'm perfect, i grant myself a license to get angry at other people. It gives me the right to neglect other people's emotions and feelings. Oh, and i found out that my teammate hadn't been sleeping because i was so harsh. I can't believe how mean i can be at times.
second, being flawed (and at times wicked) showed me what true love is. I shudder to know that i came at God with arrogance and a self-rightous attitude. I bow my head in embarrassment to realize that i arrogantly said "look at all i have done for you, what have you done for me." But i turn back to praise Him, because what He did 2000 years ago paid the judgement for that statement. Without knowing just how wicked i can be at times, i can't ever know how great His love for me is. True love isn't shown by giving it to the ones that deserve it; true love is shown when it is given to someone that really doesn't deserve it.
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