disappointed with God

I feel disappointed with God. In fact, I live life in disappointment.  I refuse to be decisive or bold, because I'm afraid God will fail me. I say prayers like, "Lord, please do 'such and such'... if it's your will," because I'm trying to make excuses for Him.  It's not that I'm trying to protect God's reputation; it's that I'm trying to salvage the last bit of hope I have in Him.  But hey, I’m just being honest.

Do you ever feel that way? Do you ever wonder why bad stuff happens, even though we are fervently in prayer? Do you ever ask:

Why is my ministry failing
why is my family falling apart
why does worship bore me
why can't I work up the courage to share my faith, etc, etc

Do I ever!

Other times I have people ask whether or not I find my worth tied into what I do, and that's a tough question.   I have enjoyed discipleship school.  Worshiping God every day, reading the bible continuously, and listening to lectures, but to be honest, sometimes I feel as thought I can't do it anymore. I don't want to be sitting around; I want to be starting a ministry. I want to be working with the poor. I want to be making money and supporting myself. I really don't care what I’m doing; I just want to do something. So, "No," my worth is not defined by my job; it's defined by something else...

Results. I define my self-worth by my results. That's why I hate sales, raising support, and even evangelizing. I'm not in control of the results. I can't force anyone to buy my product, go to my church, or listen to me preach. I've tried. Again and again and again. People probably thought I was the most annoying kid at work. I would constantly tell people that they should come to my church, or join my bible study, or follow Jesus; but if the proof is in the pudding, then I’m about as worthless as they come.

And I sit around blaming God for feeling worthless, because God said He came to give me this elusive abundant life. I expect Jesus to give me a free meal, and instead I get failure. I do everything I can, I call people, personally invite them, set up fun events, imitate them, praise the, even try to buy them, only to find disappointment. Why is that?

I think the reason I get so disappointed is because I misunderstand my worth. "God, I spent 20 hours raising support, and you give me $20!? Is that all I’m worth to you? Even Wal-Mart thinks I’m worth more than that." I wonder how many times I have broken God's heart, because I misunderstood Him. God never said I should expect a large ministry, or a free meal. God said I should expect a life of persecution, trials, rejection, and sacrifice. Strangely, I don't get disappointed when I fail to see that result.

I'm not saying that we should set the bar low, I’m saying set it higher than we can imagine, and then believe we are worth even more than the greatest accomplishments in the world. That's why I want to be in a relationship with Jesus; so I can hear Him remind me of that every day.