My brain recovers it's bearings, and acceptance sinks in. I'm skydiving, and there is nothing i can do but watch the world race towards me. This is the most exhilarating feeling of my life. Just a typical Sunday...j/k!
This past sunday i went skydiving, and it was one of the most incredible feelings ever. It was fun, but even more than that, it was a true learning experience. Before i go any further, I guess i need to take a step back and give you some background information...
So about 4 weeks ago, one of the coolest people i know found out that she was going skydiving for her birthday. She asked me if i would go, and i imediately said ok. A few weeks prior to that, i had looked into it for myself, and decided that "someday" i would go. Well someday happened sooner than later. Nothing really changed in my head after the deposit was put down. In fact, even on the drive there, i was pretty cool and collected. I signed the waiver with a slight tremor, but I had spent almost a month preparing myself to remain calm. I am a man, men don't get scared.
The training started with the instructor asking giving us a pep talk, explaining that this was the most nerve racking experiences we will ever face in our life. He said that we should admit our fear, because our adrenaline would peak too sharply if we didn't. He said that men frequently lie about their feelings, and then have a horrifying experience when that happens. At that moment i realized that i was in trouble if i didn't come clean with my emotions. I realized that i would hate the experience, and might cause lasting trauma. So I broke down. I didn't cry or anything, but i let myself admit that i was scared. I was really scared. What if the chute doesn't open, what if I chicken out, what if i can't stop from spinning in the air?
The most amazing thing happened after i admitted those emotions to myself; i fell into a peaceful excitement. I was scared, sure, but nothing was more freeing than admitting my humanity. To embrace my limits, and realize that it's okay for me to be afraid. That doesn't make me less of a man. It takes courage to examine your weaknesses. It takes strength to admit your frailty and still proceed. This was the release i needed, and ironically, it's something that i need to do more frequently in my everyday life.
After the training, i get on the plane to elevate to 12500 feet. At this moment, i was still peacefully excited. The instructor straps onto my back and opens the door: still peaceful. I put my leg out of the plane and feel the wind throwing my leg around: still peaceful. I lean out of the plane and realized "this is it, the moment of no return:" still peaceful. Then the plane falls away, and panic sets in. I was completely out of control, and there was no way for me to get it back. I was past the point of no return. I have a confession to make; i'm a control freak. I feel as though the world could come crashing down around me, and i would remain calm as long as i could see a way out. Without that way out, i'm VERY uncomfortable. I do everything i can to refrain from putting myself into that position, because it scares me to death. That's why i had so many emotions running through my head (refer to opening paragraph). I spun around and finally got into a position which allowed me to get my bearings back. That's when my mind cleared and allowed me to accept the reality that i have no control. That was a very erie feeling, and something i am not use to.
The experience allowed me to realize something; i should live my life in that "erie zone," because how much of my life do i really have control over? I can control my behavior, but can i really control anything else? Can i go to sleep at night and say "i can guarantee that I will wake up tomorrow"? I know i can't, yet for some reason i say i can. I can't guarantee anything in my life, besides how i behave. Self control, and that's really the one thing that i don't have. It's a strange reality. I spend my life trying to control the situations around me, but spend absolutely no time on learning to control ME. I feel like i want to neglect my job so i can do God's job, and in the process neglect both. An analogy i just thought of is this: God is the one controling the weather, yet i pick out my clothing for the day without checking to see if it's raining. I think that the weather should revolve around my plans, and not that i should revolve around God's plans. It's because i don't like the erie feeling i get when i am not in control. Get use to it Josh; you will never control the weather.
If i think about it though, i wouldn't want to control the weather. It would always be sunny if i did, and then the plants would die and i would starve to death. I have no ability to manage something that grand, and instead should just readjust to fit God's plan. It's easier that way. It always works out better. I can fully trust God, but i can't trust myself. I wish i would always remember that, but i'm just human. I'm prone to forget. I'm prone to fail. Luckily, my father will pick me up and brush me off. All i have to do is get use to living in the "erie zone."
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