Defining the Relationship

I've always found it difficult to be defined by a relationship, probably because I don’t know what to “do.”  I think this is a gender thing, because I found that most relationships are quickly brought to a halt with three little letters: D T R.  For those of you who have forgotten what it’s like to be in 6^th grade, DTR stands for “Define the relationship,” and is used in conjunction with a conversation that moves two “friends” into a relationship. 

From what my sources have told me, girls spend 80-90% of their waking hours brainstorming ways to trick guys into defining the relationship, while guys avoid it like the plague.  In fact, most guys only fear two moments in their lives: the time they get a text message from their lady friend that says, “we need to talk,” and the time their dad comes into their bedroom with a baseball, looks at their little league trophy, sits on the edge of their bed and starts talking about three different letters: S E X.  Guys are so uncomfortable with the DTR conversation, that they usually make excuses and bail at the first sign of “the talk.”

Yes, it’s hard for me to “define the relationship,” but it’s even harder for to be “defined by the relationship.”  Partly because I don’t know what to do, but mostly because of something else.

In my last post, I listed some of the characteristics that define the identity of a Christ follower which helped me know what to do.  At the end of the post, though, I admitted that it’s hard to be defined by a relationship, even when I know what to do.  An example of this is found in my relationship to Ashley.

Ashley and I dated for 2 years and we had certain boundaries we kept during that time.  It wasn’t easy, we weren’t perfect, but we were striving to live like God instructed us to.  Getting married was our opportunity to drop the boundaries and start living like married people.  Although our relationship changed in the course of a 30 minute ceremony, my idea of our relationship was slow to follow.

I remember having an awkward feeling while moving into Ashley’s house after we got married.  It was like we were doing something unnatural.  I found myself thinking, “what will the guys from church think when they found out I’m living with my girlfriend…wait, my fiancée…wait, my wife.”  Yes, I had those thoughts.  In fact, there are still times when I accidentally call Ashley my fiancée.  I found it hard to break the habit of calling and thinking of Ashley as my wife.

I’m starting to believe the same is true for our relationship with Jesus.  We became disciples and saints the moment we accepted Christ as our Lord and Savior, but it still takes time to grow into that reality.  In fact, it’s a life-long process.

A few years ago, I asked a friend to explain the benefit of Christian maturity.  Christians are privileged with a relationship with God whether they have been a Christian for 5 years or 30 years.  Both will obtain an inheritance in heaven, both are equally loved, both are given the Holy Spirit; so what’s the benefit?  Then it dawned on us: the reality of it all.  The more I grow in my relationship with Christ, the more I believe it, the more I believe it, the more I act upon it, the more I act upon it, the more I grow in it, the more I grow in it, the more I act upon it; and so on until eternity.


In conclusion, I hope to give two bits of encouragement.  First (and something I struggle with a lot), continue growing if you are a christian.  Don't get lazy and think you have "arrived."  This is a life long adventure.  Second, don't get overwhelmed and discouraged if you are considering the life of a Christian.  Yes, it's a big change.  Yes, it's a life-long process.  But remember that God will meet you where you are, and then patiently help you take one day and one step at a time.