Defining the Relationship

I've always found it difficult to be defined by a relationship, probably because I don’t know what to “do.”  I think this is a gender thing, because I found that most relationships are quickly brought to a halt with three little letters: D T R.  For those of you who have forgotten what it’s like to be in 6^th grade, DTR stands for “Define the relationship,” and is used in conjunction with a conversation that moves two “friends” into a relationship. 

From what my sources have told me, girls spend 80-90% of their waking hours brainstorming ways to trick guys into defining the relationship, while guys avoid it like the plague.  In fact, most guys only fear two moments in their lives: the time they get a text message from their lady friend that says, “we need to talk,” and the time their dad comes into their bedroom with a baseball, looks at their little league trophy, sits on the edge of their bed and starts talking about three different letters: S E X.  Guys are so uncomfortable with the DTR conversation, that they usually make excuses and bail at the first sign of “the talk.”

Yes, it’s hard for me to “define the relationship,” but it’s even harder for to be “defined by the relationship.”  Partly because I don’t know what to do, but mostly because of something else.

In my last post, I listed some of the characteristics that define the identity of a Christ follower which helped me know what to do.  At the end of the post, though, I admitted that it’s hard to be defined by a relationship, even when I know what to do.  An example of this is found in my relationship to Ashley.

Ashley and I dated for 2 years and we had certain boundaries we kept during that time.  It wasn’t easy, we weren’t perfect, but we were striving to live like God instructed us to.  Getting married was our opportunity to drop the boundaries and start living like married people.  Although our relationship changed in the course of a 30 minute ceremony, my idea of our relationship was slow to follow.

I remember having an awkward feeling while moving into Ashley’s house after we got married.  It was like we were doing something unnatural.  I found myself thinking, “what will the guys from church think when they found out I’m living with my girlfriend…wait, my fiancée…wait, my wife.”  Yes, I had those thoughts.  In fact, there are still times when I accidentally call Ashley my fiancée.  I found it hard to break the habit of calling and thinking of Ashley as my wife.

I’m starting to believe the same is true for our relationship with Jesus.  We became disciples and saints the moment we accepted Christ as our Lord and Savior, but it still takes time to grow into that reality.  In fact, it’s a life-long process.

A few years ago, I asked a friend to explain the benefit of Christian maturity.  Christians are privileged with a relationship with God whether they have been a Christian for 5 years or 30 years.  Both will obtain an inheritance in heaven, both are equally loved, both are given the Holy Spirit; so what’s the benefit?  Then it dawned on us: the reality of it all.  The more I grow in my relationship with Christ, the more I believe it, the more I believe it, the more I act upon it, the more I act upon it, the more I grow in it, the more I grow in it, the more I act upon it; and so on until eternity.


In conclusion, I hope to give two bits of encouragement.  First (and something I struggle with a lot), continue growing if you are a christian.  Don't get lazy and think you have "arrived."  This is a life long adventure.  Second, don't get overwhelmed and discouraged if you are considering the life of a Christian.  Yes, it's a big change.  Yes, it's a life-long process.  But remember that God will meet you where you are, and then patiently help you take one day and one step at a time.

Identity

I remember high school being a time when everyone was defined by various adjectives: “jocks,” “punks,” “skaters,” “nerds,” “band geeks,” “losers,” “frosh,” and so on.  I was fortunately in my own category of “gingers,” which was great until Southpark decided to ruin it for all the redheads in the world.  (One day we will get our revenge…).  Defining and categorizing people is something that’s happened since time began.

A few weeks ago my small group and I started reading the book of Philippians, and realized that Paul uses a lot of different descriptions for Christians.   In fact, during the first two verses of Philippians, he uses the terms 5 different terms: “holy people,” “servants of Christ,” “deacons,” “overseers,” and “children.”  All these titles got me thinking about our identity as Christians.

I felt like I should look up the word “identity,” so I did a quick word search on biblegateway.com and realized that “identity” isn’t in the bible.  This surprised me, considering that everyone says their “identity is in Christ.”  It’s such a well-known Christian phrase that I figured there was a bible verse that said “our identity is in Christ.”  Although it was surprising, it was also a relief.  Personally, I’ve always struggled with that phrase, because I never understood what it meant.  Not only that, but that’s not usually how I define myself. 

I define myself by what I “do”, and therefore, it is easy for me to say “I’m an intern.” I’m an intern because every morning I go to work and do the job of an intern.  It’s not easy for me to define myself by my relationships, though, because I often don’t know what to “do.” Yes, I’m a Christian who loves Jesus, but what does it mean to be identified “in Christ”?

Even though I couldn’t get a “biblical definition,” I still felt like I should look up “identity.” So, I did a dictionary search and found this:

 Identity is a set of characteristics which define an object or person.  Your identity is your design specifications; your nature; your composition; your character(istics).  This helps a lot, because I can start looking at the different characteristics which define a Christian.  We are identified in His:

• Death:
• Our old life of slavery to satan and sin is destroyed.  Sin leads us away from God and into death.
• Life:
• We are slaves to God and His righteousness.  God is the source of life, and we are able to become increasingly obedient to His will for our life as we spend more time with Him.
• Status:
• We are children of God, and brothers to the King
• Mission:
• We have a mission to be His ambassadors and make His name known.  
• Desires:
• We are defined by our desire to love God and love others.

This was a really helpful definition for me, because it helped me know what to “do.”  I am able to break my “identity in Christ” into categories that aid my prayer life.  I can ask Him to put the sin in my life to “death.”  I can ask Him to give me greater trust and obedience by leading me into a deeper relationship with Him.  I can face persecution once I realize that I’m from a royal line, and my status isn’t defined by my clothing.  I can ask God to provide conversations with unbelievers at work, instead of seeing work as a means to a paycheck.  I can even ask God to change my desires so that my love is evident to all.  As I’m learning, my identity is so grand and glorious that it is going to take an eternity to discover who Jesus has made me to be.

God is good, and I’m grateful for these lessons, but “knowing what to do,” doesn’t always equate to “doing what I know to do.”  I’m going to talk about this more in my next post.  Until then, God bless!